On the outside, girls portray an aura of beauty, poise, and class. But, if you get a few drinks in us, we can become some of the worst people to interact with socially. There’s nothing like watching a girl knock back half a box of Franzia and turn into one of the most aggravating people you have ever met. The worst part is, we’d all be lying if we said we weren’t at fault for at least one, if not more, of these awful, drunken habits. But whatever. Sometimes we reserve the right to be as obscene and obnoxious as our estrogen levels can handle.
The Screamer
This chick is easy to spot mainly because as soon as you enter the party, you are deafened by her bloodcurdling greeting that makes you jealous of Helen Keller. Instead of a standard “hello” or “welcome to the party, friends,” she decides to welcome you, and everyone else she knows, into the party by screeching like a hyena until ears start to bleed. The worst part of The Screamer is the Fellow Screamer, who reciprocates her thunderous greeting with an equally, if not more annoying, screech of her own. Can’t you two take that outside, or at least bring it down to a decibel that doesn’t cause ruptured eardrums?
The Baby
While she may appear to be completely sane and even somewhat fun, one of the worst girls at a party is the broad who needs a babysitter because she cannot control her drinking. She starts off as the life of the party, but this girl gets so out of control that she cannot stand on her own–let alone make it to the bathroom–without some sort of guidance by one of her friends. It may be funny the first couple minutes, but you quickly realize she’s a total buzzkill and she vommed all over your favorite bathroom rug. Just get her a headband, pat her on the back a few times, and take a couple Snapchats to embarrass her in the morning.
The Music Hog
Usually found posted up in front of the iPod, jukebox, or computer, this girl cannot think beyond her own terrible judgement of music. Subsequently, you suffer during the entire party–or until she drops dead from pushing repeat on a Taylor Swift song. She’s awful for two reasons, the first being that no matter how perfect her musical choices are, it’s the exact opposite of what you’d want to listen to, ever. The second is that that she spends the majority of the time hanging out with The Screamer. They cheer for every single song she plays, so you end up missing the first half of the song because she’s singing (read: yelling) all her favorite lyrics over the speakers. Unless you have the title “DJ” before your name, please don’t christen yourself as the music guru of the party, sister.
The Judger
This girl is a silent killer. She’s the prime specimen for chronic bitch face and what’s even worse is that she doesn’t give a fuck about it. She stakes her ground usually in the corner or on the end of a couch. Then, she waits for her unknowing victims to pass her by so she can lay her judgemental stare into the deepest depths of their souls. To make matters worse, she may be swarmed by a few lackies to help her plan out the best approach for a passive aggressive sub tweet. We get it, you’re angsty and want to hate people. Just go home and do that via Facebook.
The Disappearing Act
While she may have started off with you at the beginning of the party, The Disappearing Act usually gets lost halfway through the party because she’s preoccupied with some gentlemanly companionship. Usually found going to town with a pledge in an upstairs bedroom or bathroom, she’s just trying to get hers. You can’t really hate her for it since we’ve all been in the same spot. While it’s great that she’s getting some, you really just wish she would come back and help you scream “Timber!” at the top of your lungs.
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Babe Lincoln
Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."
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