There Are Really Only Three Ways To Have Sex

Three Ways To Have Sex

I was sitting around sipping Pinot with some of my best friends and as always, the conversation turned to sex. There were five of us there, two with long term boyfriends (two years plus), one who’s a serial dater, and two bona fide sluts. I’m sure you all can guess what category I fell into. However, as we were talking, it was clear to see that each group has sex in their own very distinct ways.

One-Night Stands
I tend to think that a true one-night stand, in the sense where you will never see him again and probably can’t remember his name, is the easiest sex in the world to have. With a one-night stand, you’re uninhibited. If you want to ask for something a little kinky or weird, you won’t have to worry about feeling judged because even if the guy does judge you, you will literally never see him again, so fuck it. Let your freak flag fly. Knowing you’ll never see someone again really washes away any anxiety or self-consciousness you may feel. If you commit to one-night stand sex, it can be a truly freeing experience.

A major drawback to one-night stands is that most guys suck in bed. You need multiple times sleeping with someone in order to coach them through how to get you off, and even then your odds are only 50/50 if you’re lucky. Along those lines, if a guy knows it’s a one-night stand, they don’t always feel the need to go down on you. It sucks, but that also means you don’t need to give him head either, so you know, that’s a small win at least. All in all, one-night stands can be very hit or miss; when they are good, they’re fucking great. But when they’re bad? They make you question whether or not you should just go celibate.

Honestly, this is the worst type of sex you could be having. When you first start dating and sleeping with someone, you’re extremely conscious about not being too weird or too assertive or too passive in bed. The worst part of it all is that the guy is the same way. You both have some semblance of feelings for each other and even if you don’t want to jump the gun and say you’re in a committed relationship, you both still want to continue bumping genitals on a semi regular basis. That means that you’re keeping everything very normal and not deviating too much, lest you freak the other person out. If you’re into strictly missionary with the lights off, then this maybe isn’t so bad for you. For the rest of you, either man or woman the fuck up and actually ask for what you want in bed so you can figure out if you two are even sexually compatible.

Long Term Relationship
Let me preface this by saying one of the long term relationship girls involved in helping shape this article is a straight up freak and so is her boyfriend. Like for one date night, they molded his penis so that she could have a replica dildo of it for when her boyfriend traveled. For some reason I tend to think this isn’t normal relationship behavior, but whatever, it still supports my point. Relationship sex is comfortable and in a good relationship, you don’t have to worry about your partner judging you because they are just as freaky as you. Where with one night stands you protect yourself from judgment with anonymity, in a relationship, you protect yourself with comfortability. More importantly, if you’re in a relationship with someone, that mother fucker better know how the fuck to get you off. If I’m being completely honest, consistent orgasms whenever I want is the only benefit I see to being in a relationship.

Something all of my friends in relationships have been quick to tell me is that in a relationship you “make love.” *Gags.* Apparently being in love adds a whole different dimension and tenderness, something you can’t experience with just sex with anyone. While I have no doubt that is true, I question the appeal of it. Maybe I’m too emotionally damaged of a person, but the thought of “making love” to someone makes my vagina dry up real fucking quickly. But to each their own, am I right?

Image via Shutterstock

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Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at:

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