I have a confession to make: I suffer from bitch face. The exact number of women affected by this very serious (looking) condition is unknown. Hundreds? Thousands? My God, could it be millions? No wonder men find us so confusing.
If you’re like me, your “resting face” is that of a disappointed, unimpressed, melodramatic 7th grade girl. You know what I mean, that girl who only listened to Fall Out Boy and threatened to emancipate herself from her parents? The one who just looked fucking pissed off all the time? Well, that’s me. Okay, that’s not actually me, nor was it me; I never liked Fall Out Boy and I cling to my parents like I would die without them (I would), but you get what I’m saying. That girl always looked like a bitch, and that’s how I look.
The problem with this unfortunate case of looking like I want to slit my wrists all the time, is that I do not actually want to slit my wrists all the time, or any of the time for that matter. I’m actually a really outgoing and friendly person. After growing up as a military brat, I’m fairly confident that I could talk to just about anyone (except a terrorist, because like, fuck terrorists). Seriously, I’m that girl that goes out of my way to say hi to people and genuinely wants to know how you’ve been doing. When I’m talking and focused, everything’s good – I look like a normal person, but the second I let my guard down, the second I zone out, bitch face is back in full force.
It’s a serious issue, this looking like a bitch thing, because I am, in fact, not a bitch. I mean, sure, I have my moments, but it’s not like I’m running around being awful for no reason. That’s just what it looks like, and it sucks. Let’s say I’m sitting at Starbucks, typing away, working on some columns for the good, old readers of TFM. Odds are, if you were to look over at me, you’d think two things:
- Who comes to a coffee place and orders hot chocolate?
- That girl looks like a cunt.
Well, not an actual cunt. My face doesn’t look like a vagina or anything (wouldn’t that be weird?), but you know what I mean. You’d think that I was a miserable person. That, or you’d be weirdly turned on because you’re a masochist and would wonder if I’d be down for some weird 50 Shades of Grey shit (I’m not).
Anyway, for a long time (my entire life), I simply assumed that there was no way to fix bitch face, no cure for this terrible affliction that plagues me. That is, until I heard about a surgery that fixes this “bitch face” syndrome. The procedure, which is currently being done by plastic surgeons in Korea, cuts into the corners of your mouth to make your lips appear fuller, and make it look as though you’re smiling even when you’re not.
I mean, I’m obviously never going to get the procedure done because I don’t want someone hacking at my mouth like I’m the fucking baby Joker, but I guess it’s nice to know that it’s an option. So, there you have it. Ladies, if your bitch face truly bothers you that much, you can now travel halfway across the world and have some questionably licensed doctor “fix it” for you, or, you can just buck up and deal with it like the rest of us. If nothing else, at least you know you’re not alone.
Image via Huffington Post