Not safe for work. NOT. SAFE. FOR. WORK. Not safe for class. Not safe for chapter meeting. Not safe in front of standards. Probably safe in the confines of your living room, so you can giggle along with your roomies.
One of my favorite girly events of all time is the beloved sex toy party. If you’ve never been to one, you should set one up immediately. It’s like vibrators, and dildos, and lube — Oh my! (God!) And the best part is you don’t have to walk into some creepy sex shop alongside a couple buying whips and chains in order to purchase yourself some goodies. You just walk into your best friend’s living room, drink a shit ton of wine with your twenty best gal pals, and then place your order for throat-numbing gel privately. If you’re still not intrigued, then buzz off. (See what I did there?)
The point is, a girl’s gotta have a vibrator. (Manual masturbation is NS. We don’t work with our hands.) But the world of sex toys has gotten just a little bit freakier.
From The Huffington Post:
I never collected baseball cards, because it never occurred to me to use tiny images with statistics on them as masturbatory aids that I’d later trade with my friends. If ONLY I’d been doing that circa 1997, I could have patented porn star trading cards.
Blow-up dolls are no more. Now the less fair sex can stick it to a real life Barbie doll. I’d rather him stick it to an inflatable pool toy, but that’s just me.
Everybody knows that men love watching women put penis-shaped foods into their mouths. Why do you think they invented hot dog eating contests? Takera Kobayashi fucked things up for straight men everywhere. The only problem is that those penis-shaped foods are caloric. Want to give him a real phallic symbol without the calories? Penis-shaped weed pipe! Yes.
Now your exercise ball has an alternative function. Double the pleasure. Double the fun. Ab day? Screw it. (Literally.) Every day is vagina day.
“Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.” Dreams really do come true. All you have to do is insert a butt plug with a pink tail on the end of it, and you’re set for life.
[via The Huffington Post]
Image via Blogspot
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]
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