There are two types of sex in the world. The sex in the movies — with the perfect partner, the perfect lighting, and the perfect orgasm. And then, there’s the real sex — with the partner of the evening, the not-so-great lighting, and the maybe orgasm if you’re lucky. While we’d all like the first type, we’re peasants and can’t have nice things, so we settle for “pretty decent sex that we’ll exaggerate about over brunch with our friends.”
Sometimes, however, we don’t even get that. Instead of okay intercourse that we can feel alright about, we get something worse. Something so horribly, painfully cringeworthy it causes us to research convents near us and consider becoming celibate. Whether it involved sounds, fluids, or other unfortunate circumstances, the “embarrassing sex,” while never coveted, is a little too common.
And so to make you feel better about that time you accidently yelled out your chem professor’s name while you were getting it on with your boyfriend, the people of Reddit have admitted to their most embarrassing moments and trust me, yours won’t seem so bad after this.
High school GF decided to punch me in the face to make our third time having sex last longer. It ended right then as I went limp in sheer surprise.
I bet he learned to last a little longer after that, though.
Had girlfriend’s little brother walk in while I was cumming in his sister’s mouth. He waved at me because he didn’t realize what was happening at first. All I could think to do was wave back…. while cumming.
If I could pick being lit on fire, or this happening to me, I would pick the fire.
17 years old, just started school at this very religious college. There was absolutely no coed dorms. The opposite sex was only allowed in your room with the door wide open. Well, the first week of school I met this guy. We sneak off into the only place on campus where no one can question you if the door was closed: The Prayer Room. This room was filled with bible quotes, praises of Jesus, and religious pictures all over the wall. There was a cross and a huge bible in the center of the room, with a little pew. That is where I lost my virginity and continued to sneak off to have sex for the rest of the semester.
I mean, the room was intended for people to get on their knees, right?
When I was a kid and first discovered that I could put things into my vagina and it felt good, I experimented. A lot. One memorable time I shoved a bunch of Barbie clothes inside me. They obviously sopped up any natural lubricant I had and were incredibly hard to remove. I lost a dress up there for a day.
So *that* wear Barbie’s missing shoe went!
I used to masturbate by rolling myself up in my blankets like a burrito and humping a pillow.
But like, seriously who hasn’t done this.
I once pretended to be my brother for my girlfriend, who had a massive crush on him, while we had sex. Responding to her in character as him and saying “It’s (name), I love you” and stuff when she asked who I was. Yeah that shit was fucking weird.
If this isn’t the makings of a very sad, very romantic movie, I don’t know what is.
When I was a novice masturbator, I attempted to synthesize a vagina using household products — plastic wrap, a paper towel roll, some rubber gloves, and vaseline. It didn’t work.
Nothing quite like the real thing.
When asking about what she liked I misheard gentle as genital. Soooo genital hair pulling doesn’t seem to be appreciated as foreplay.
This is why we should bring the bush back, okay? THIS IS WHY.
Before I ever even touched [the girl] she says “I want you to fist me.” Just like that. “um… okay…” She drops her pants and bends over on the bed. I’ve never done it before, but I expect some build up… a couple fingers at first, work at for a while, ya know? Boy, was I wrong. So I have this tattoo of the Beatles’ Abbey Road on my forearm…I lean in and FWOP. My whole hand falls right in. Right past George and up to Paul. Poor George never saw it coming. I tried to be a good sport for a bit but it was too much. If she had a kid it could have walked out. I had to leave. Anyway at my house, giving her the old “George-Paul” is in the lexicon now.
And that’s a big, giant “nope” from me.
Had a wet dream on an airplane…I was sitting in the middle seat…..
That’s one way to join the mile high club.
Accidentally shitting a little because the guy I was dating at the time convinced me to have sex while I had the stomach bug. It wasn’t anal or anything, he just thrust really hard and I guess I lost control. I was mortified and left immediately.
This is why you don’t have Chipotle before sex. This is why.
I frequently let a guy cum on my face while I was sleeping. He would jack off and I would pretend to be asleep and then he would blow a load on my face. I enjoyed it, but we never spoke of it.
And I’ll take, “Worst Ways To Wake Up” for $1000, Alex.
Touching myself in the backseat of my parents’ car, when I first discovered how to make myself cum. Also while watching TV with friends. Still not sure how I pulled those off, or why.
If you weren’t a master masturbator, I don’t even want to know you.
After a night of heavy New Year’s Eve drinking I took a girl home which isn’t really like me. Sexy time commences, she starts blowing me when I hear a funny sound and she stops. I ask her why she stopped but she doesn’t answer just gets up and casually walks out of my room. I’m confused as duck [I think he meant “fuck” but who’s to say?] at this point so I go to get up and realize she puked all over me. It was chunky. A couple weeks later. Not as bad as the first story. Unfortunately the same girl. Blow job was successful this time but when she swallowed she choked and spit it all back up onto my face. We stopped seeing each other after that.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that blow jobs aren’t exactly her thing.
Giving myself wedgies throughout the day because it turned me on. I would look up different ways to receive wedgies and give them to myself, most of the time it would make me cum in public.
Weird. Yes. Fascinating. Sure. Effect? I don’t know, but I intend to find out.
Well yesterday I stuck an ice cube up my ass because Reddit made me curious, then when I reported back that it was nice, a bunch of others apparently tried it too with mixed results… yeah I’m not really ashamed of that.
…brb, just checking out the ice maker real fast…
I once choked a girl until she passed out. It was only for a second, but I freaked the fuck out. She thought it was fucking HOT and asked me to do it again.
Can’t we just go back to missionary with the lights off? Please?
In high school I wrapped a Fruit Roll-Up around my boyfriend’s cock and blew him in an apartment stairway. I still can’t walk through the snack aisle at the grocery store without thinking about dick.
Oh my God soooooo weird *buys Fruit Roll-Ops immediately.*
On our wedding night, my husband made me stick my finger up his ass then smell it and taste it. He said “just stick your finger in there like you’re sticking it into a cherry pie”. I was a virgin at the time.
And this is why you have to get some free milk from a few cows before buying one.
My fiance (M) and I (F) have been together for over a decade now. There is no shame or privacy between us. For instance, I have a small, silver “bullet” vibrator. It’s wonderful. My fiance wanted to use it for himself, so I thought “why not?” and we went for it. And that is where I learned to never, ever put things up your anal passage when you have no way of getting them out. I was actually very proud of myself, as my fiance was hunched over like he was giving birth, and I braced to catch the new arrival, whilst we tried to get this tiny, still-vibrating, “bullet” out of his arse. I ended up elbow deep (with the aid of an entire tube of lube) trying to grasp onto this little bugger, trying to avoid the bits of fecal matter that kept making their way in between my fingers and under my nails.We eventually managed to get it out. We were in the bathtub at that point (it got rather messy,) when I managed to get a hold of that little fucker and pull it out. Three hours later and still vibrating. We haven’t used it since.
If one more person complains about this happening to them!
Jacked it in class.
A classic.
I had this huuuge crush on a guy from work and he finally invited me over to party with him and his friends. I was a freshman in college at the point and was intimidated bc he and his friends were already out of college. Anyways, I got way too drunk/high (trying to be cool) and go to pass out in his room. When he came in later I woke up and put the moves on him, but he started to feel guilty about how fucked up I was. He stopped banging me and started fingering me instead. I then proceeded to start crying and freaking out for not using a condom. On his fingers. That I thought was his dick. I still can’t look him in the eye.
If she thought his dick was the size of his finger, she has other problems to worry about.
I was giving head to a guy with his dick pierced. It wouldn’t have been a big deal but his piercing was gauged. As I was deep throating his cock, his jewelry got stuck behind my tonsils. I freaked out and for a solid 5 seconds thought I was going to die. I eventually just jerked my head back causing both his piercing and my tonsil to rip. He was OK but sore. I had to go to the doctor for my throat and explain why half of my tonsil was missing. Two weeks later, I got my tonsils removed.
This is reason enough to never, ever, ever give a beej.
I had sex with my high school girlfriend with lit candles and a fucking Norah Jones album playing.
Ew. Romance. #Embarrassing
I let a guy I was completely not attracted to go down on me because he had a tongue ring and he claimed he was awesome at oral. He wasn’t.
Ah yes, the ole “I’m great at oral” trick. It gets the best of us.
I was drunk one night and thought it would be a good idea to grab my phone and record me and my girlfriend having sex doggy style without her knowing. I only remembered a few days later when I was showing her pictures I took earlier that night of us at the bar. You could make out what it was pretty easily by the thumbnail. She pretended to freak out and it was the scummiest I’ve ever felt, but it turns out it turned her on and we made another video that night. It’s still the most ashamed I’ve ever felt about a sexual situation, it was so disrespectful to the person I care about the most. That was the only time I’ve ever felt like a genuine creep.
If I didn’t feel the need to look through my boyfriend’s phone before, I 100 percent do now.
A friend and I (both males) had sex with a mother and daughter in the same room at the same time in Cabo, Mexico. My friend was with the daughter while i was with the mother. At first we were kind of surprised and excited. Then suddenly we were looking at each other mid-act like “WTF is going on!”
Nothing quite like keeping it in the family, amiright?
See?! You’re not the disgusting piece of human trash that you thought you were!.
[via Reddit]
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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