Things We Pretend To Do For Men That We Really Do For Ourselves

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Women. We’ve been known to be caring, genuine, beautiful, soft, kind, giving and selfless. We also know, that’s a lie. While it may seem like we are dim-witted creatures made of breakable materials to outsiders (men), we know the truth. It’s a deep, dark, age long secret. We’re the smart ones. We’re in control. We always get our way, even when it seems like we are giving in. Don’t believe me? Here are a few common “kind acts” we do for men that, in reality, when examined closer, are obvious that we do for our own benefit. You call it manipulative, I call it genius. And thus proving why we are the superior sex.

We act like we’re on Martha status when we hand a plate of cookies over to our favorite frat boy. The show we put on makes it seem like we personally raised the chickens that laid the eggs, milked the cow, went out into the damn sugar field and harvested the crop just to make the dough for some chocolate chip cookies. The guys love it because we’re hot and delicious, the cookies are hot and delicious, and he thinks we really care about him. Little did he know, the only reason we made him baked goods was because the frozen cookie dough was BOGO at the store and we wanted an excuse to consume an entire tube by ourselves. We also ate three of the cookies in the car before handing the rest over to him.

“Oh baby, just like that. Yeah, it feels so good. You’re the best.” These are a few of the basic lines females use during coitis. Others include lies such as “big,” “sex god,” and “only the 4th guy I’ve hooked up with.” While it seems like we are having the time of our sexual lives, I call bullshit, ladies. Sure, with the right guy it can be slightly above mediocre, but really, we do a better job in five minutes with our battery operated friends. The trick is, we know that the way to truly get what we want in life (a yacht, a summer home in the Hamptons and a limitless credit card to be used on clothing to make our future babies look like models) is to make a man feel like the sex god he isn’t.

They say a man’s heart is in his stomach, and us girls use that to our advantage. Nothing pushes a guy into the Tiffany’s ring section quite like a home cooked brisket. Sure, he loves it because he’s a cave man and basically just needs meat, beer and his right hand to survive — but we totally just cook for ourselves. We use his meals as an excuse to eat all of the unhealthy shit that we want. It’s not like we’re going to go to the hassle of making a salad for ourselves while watching him chow down on our home-made enchiladas. So while we act like a martyr slaving away from our man, we’re really just happy to get an hour to ourselves that includes chugging wine, dancing our to our favorite songs and taste testing everything — all on his tab, of course.

Push-up bras, tight skirts, sexy sun-dresses. It seems like this is all to get the attention of men, when in reality, it’s for the ladies. We dress up to look hotter than all of the other bitches who are out. Guy wouldn’t know Chanel if it gave them lap dance, but we buy that shit up because 1) We’re told its “cool.” 2) It’s expensive so we feel like the princess we were born to be. 3) It makes all the other bitches jealous. #Bowdown

We act like it is SUCH a hassle to go to that game he wants, or get dressed up and go out for drinks with his friends (and by drinks, I mean going to a dirty, sticky, shitty sports bar). In truth, it’s not so bad. We get to drink, look at his hot buddies and most likely get drunk fast-food purchased for us at the end of the night. The best part is, we keep track of each and every “nice” thing we do for guys, so when we need a ride, want to see that new movie with Zac Efron in it, or really want to jaunt around the farmers market, we bring up how we selflessly endured torture for him. You’re welcome.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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