I enjoy beer. Maybe that makes me a cool girl, maybe that makes me a tryhard or trashy. Whatever it is, I like it. Something about sitting on a patio, having some small plates, and sipping on a $4 fruit infused brew at happy hour makes me feel like a million fucking bucks. The only problem? Sometimes as I’m sitting there, judging people behind my glasses and asking for a refill of chips, I can’t help but think, this beer is missing something. And then, after serious consideration, I realized what it was lacking: vagina.
But don’t worry! Your dirty dishwater-tasting beverage is about to get a total remix. Enter: “Bottled Instinct.”
Basically, this beer is being brewed using “bacteria from a vagina.” THANK GOD someone finally decided to put our vaginal bacteria to good use.
From the company that’s bring us this delightful beverage, The Order of Yoni’s website:
Imagine woman of your dreams, your object of desire. Her charm, her sensuality, her passion… Try her taste, feel her smell, hear her voice… Imagine her massaging you passionately and whispering into your ear everything you want. Now free your fantasies and imagine that with a magic wand you can close it in one bottle of beer. The golden drink brewed with her lure and grace and flavored with instincts. Imagine the beer which every sip is a randez-vous with this hot woman of your dreams… she hugs you and kiss you gently, looking straight into your eyes… How much would you give for that beer?
The secret of the beer lies in her vagina. Using hi-tech of microbiology, we isolate, examine and prepare lactic acid bacteria from vagina of a unique woman. The bacteria, lactobacillus, transfer woman’s features, allure, grace, glamour, and her instincts into beers and other products, turning them into dance with lovely goddess.
If the colorful language and incorrect spelling and grammar don’t do the trick, the fact that it’s MADE FROM A WOMAN’S VAGINA should do it. And better yet, it’s not just any woman. Alexandra Brendlova, a Czech model has been given the honor of having a beer made from her clam juices. Talk about the dream.
The company has started an Indiegogo page to help get this vaginal drink off the ground, and if you’re not throwing your tuition money at them, you obviously don’t understand the importance of using vaginal discharge for a beer. So fingers crossed this drink makes it big and ends up at a bar near you. Now you won’t even have to feel ~experimental~ to have a taste of vagina. You really can have your genitals and drink them too. Technology, guys.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw away all of the beer in my fridge and vomit for the next 24 hours..
[via The Order of Yoni, Mirror]
Image via Youtube
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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