This Cures Your Worst Hangover In 45 Minutes, Guaranteed

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I imagined Hangover Heaven as a pillow-filled room with a huge TV, a fridge stocked with Strawberry Lemonade Gatorade, a gum ball machine full of Aspirin, pizza delivery at the push of a button, and a self-sufficient puppy whose sole purpose is to cuddle you. Or, you know, Waffle House. It turns out that Hangover Heaven is for real, and it’s a bus. This swanky treatment clinic on wheels guarantees it can cure your worst hangover in 45 minutes or less. Providing “first class medical treatment while simultaneously offering resort style comfort,” the bus trolls the Las Vegas strip on weekend mornings and can pick you up or come to your room by appointment any day of the week. Treatment options include IVs for hydration, vitamin and antioxidant shots, oxygen, headache and nausea medicine, and vitamin pills–all in the comfort of a resort-style lounge or private bunkroom with flatscreen TVs. This sounds far better than shamefully checking yourself into student health for a liter of fluid and judgment from the snarky nurse who says things like, “Oh, you again.”

Can you imagine the implications if college campuses had their own Hangover Heaven buses? I can hear the tour guide now: “…and right here, conveniently located equidistant from Greek Row and the freshman dorms, you can see our mobile hangover relief clinic! It’s guaranteed to help you recover from your nastiest self-induced misery and get you back to studying in no time!” Parents would write tuition checks on the spot. Without fear of a wicked hangover the next day, students would drink with even more reckless abandon. The economy would boom from the amount of shots people purchased every night of the week.

Critics complain that the knowledge hangovers can be avoided for a price will encourage revelers to binge drink. To that, we say, all together now, “duh.” This is without a doubt what will happen. The testimonial page is full of one-lines along the lines of “I’m getting married at three o’clock today. I need to be there. If it weren’t for Hangover Heaven, I wouldn’t have been able to hit the bars last night!” Hmm, best of luck with your priorities, sir. Rather than rescuing irresponsible adults on the Vegas Strip, Hangover Heaven needs to discover it’s true niche: college campuses, where the sort of drinking this business is designed for occurs regardless of any promise of a cure. Desperate, miserable, college kids with cash, a raging hangover, and a final the next day plus fast, guaranteed treatment on a fancy bus? That’s a match made in heaven.

[via Hangover Heaven]

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