We get a lot of strange submissions here at TSM. Maybe it’s because the website is geared towards ~wild~ college kids, or because most people seem to think that writing 200 words about your ex when you’re drunk and sending it to us is something we’re dying to read. Whatever it is, every day we sift through tons and tons of columns submitted by people like yourself. Sometimes they’re amazing. Something they’re crap. And sometimes they’re so fucking weird you don’t even know what to think.
This is one of those.
After sifting through open letter after open letter, I found a gem. A real, true, mind-blowing gem. And after reading this, I have no words. Literally no words. I don’t know if it’s a joke. I don’t know if it’s real. And I don’t know if people are actually doing it (please, dear God no). But I do know that it’s too good, too weird, to just toss aside. In this random submission by a random person, a girl tells us about a drunken time when she and her boyfriend ate chips out of each other’s assholes. And more? She swears that it’s the secret to the perfect relationship. So grab a (non-asshole tainted) snack and get ready to clench your butt as you read the weirdest sex story of all time.
The journey you’re about to endure is one of many personal tours of my shit-show of a life. I wish I could say that this is something that my witty mind could make up with this amount of detail, but unfortunately, this is not the case. Now when I tell this story with my boyfriend next to me, he likes to add in that “(he) wasn’t really that drunk.” But besides the fact that that piece of information makes the story really kind of creepy and weird, I would like to point out that there was indeed alcohol involved — just so that we can clear the air ahead of time.
It was a Saturday evening and we, for once, decided that we should hit up his fraternity for a party that they were having. We go out and have a good time and then decide to cut the evening short to go back to my apartment and have some quality adult-alone time. We had been busy this semester so we hadn’t gotten a lot of alone time recently so this was especially exciting (also adding alcohol into the equation didn’t hurt anything). We made it back and this was when the evening starts getting a little bit hazy. I vaguely remember in the pledge driver’s car we had talked about being hungry and that we should eat some food once we got back, but as soon as we were in the doorway we were already down each other’s throats and half naked. We (somehow) make it to my bedroom and we get going at the inevitable: a sloppy, sweaty sexcapade. We’re making out and then I hear myself start talking.
“I want to try something new,” I dumbly slurred at him.
This, ladies, was my first mistake. If you just simply say you want to try something new, most (read: all) guys are going to get excited for butt stuff. Seeing as my well-endowed boyfriend is 6’3 and I’m 5’4 on a good day, this would not be pleasant. So what do we do? Resort to the next best (worst) thing.
“What do you want to try?” He whispered hesitantly.
I pause. I literally have no idea what I want to try. Nothing, tbh. I think at this point I was hoping that he’d start throwing out ideas or something.
“Uh…” I started looking around the room in a panic.
I had no idea what to try, and I was immediately regetting all of this, so I grab the first thing I see: a pack of those Bugle chips. When he (and I) had seen what I had grabbed, his eyes got wider and I swear I saw him fall in love with me again at that very moment. He kissed me and before I know it I’m bent over doggy-style and he is putting a bugle in my butthole AND EATING IT.
“Oh yeah, baby. I love this,” he groaned. UH WHAT?
I then hear myself say, “Oh yeah baby I like that — I want to try.”
There was a slight pause and then next thing I know I’m eating Bugles out of his butt hole. “God I love you” is the last thing I remember before blacking out totally and waking up the next morning.
Bottom line, ladies, I guess even the manliest of men secretly love butt-play so instead of poking holes in condoms to keep him around, maybe you should just try tossing his salad or eating chip-food out of his butthole. The best part is that the next time both him and I were with my mom, she excitedly told us that she found a king sized bag of Bugles on sale at Walmart. She could not figure out why we both turned beet-red. God bless my poor, poor unsuspecting mother.
So there you have it. If you want to spice things up, apparently shoving chips up your ass and letting a drunk guy eat them is all the rage. Enjoy your butt play kids, I’m off to join a convent..
Image via source goes here
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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