I love weddings just as much as the next basic bitch. I have a Pinterest board with all of my unrealistic expectations, and I immediately like pictures of my friends’ engagements while I cry into my box of wine. So naturally, I spend a good portion of my time watching wedding videos online. Whether it’s a first dance, a proposal, or complete fails, I just can’t get enough.
This morning however, I came across something different. A groom who found a new way to completely embarrass his wife-to-be. It started innocently enough. The poor, unsuspecting women said her vows, which I’m sure she slaved over for weeks. As she glanced at her groom though tear-covered eyes, she felt butterflies in her stomach. This was it. the moments to see if he knew her. Like really, truly, knew her. And as she smiled shyly and waited for the words that would start their lives together, her groom did something absolutely absurd.
Watch, and try to keep the look of horror off of your face.
I don’t know where to start. The fact that he crudely spliced a whole bunch of annoying songs together? Or how about the glasses? He had fucking sunglasses on during one of the most intimate moments of his life. Or maybe the whole “he didn’t actually write anything or say how he felt he just took the little bitch way out and made his bride feel awkward AF.”
Whichever you want to go with, it just made me realize: grooms are kind of helpless. So to help any future guys, and to make all of us feel less alone, here are some honest vows we’d all love to hear at our weddings. Should they ever happen. Hint hint, boys.
- To love me even if I get fat.
- Okay, when I get fat.
- But to always tell me that I look 100 percent bangable.
- To not be offended when I don’t want to have sex with him.
- Which will happen a lot.
- To agree to my baby names.
- No matter how strange, hipster, or non-masculine they may be.
- To not expect me to cook every night.
- But to declare that everything I make is the best thing he’s ever had.
- To rub my feet when I’m pregnant with his babies.
- And after/before, just for good measure.
- To assure me that I’m pretty when I’m feeling bad about myself.
- And to mean it when he says he only wants to be with me.
- To not get freaked out if I leave a tampon in the toilet.
- And to just kindly pretend that it never happened. Ever.
- To not be afraid to fight me back.
- But to love me enough to let some stuff go.
- To never expect me to share my dessert.
- And to order my favorite pizza toppings without having to ask.
- To treat my family like they’re his own.
- But not expect me to spend Christmas with his folks.
- To not try to fix all of my problems.
- But to let me just vent about my friend who I actually hate whenever she pisses me off.
- Which is a lot.
- To not expect me to give a shit about football.
- But to humor me when I ask questions and try to belong.
- To take me on adventures.
- And to cancel plans and watch Netflix.
- To put up with me when I get wine drunk and cry about that time he didn’t text me back three years ago.
- And to bring me water the next morning when I’m hungover AF.
- To never become anyone other than who we are.
- And to make fun of all of our couple friends whenever we get the chance.
- To take “one more” picture with me because his face looks weird.
- To realize that life is going to be hard.
- But to agree to face it together, with love in our hearts and respect for each other.
- And to be partners, best friends, and soul mates every step of the way.
See guys? Like it’s not that hard..
Image via Youtube / Lucid Aerials
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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