This Is Everything That Is Wrong With Weddings Today

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I’m just throwing this out there, but I am completely shocked and offended that my favorite TV show has not only never won an Emmy, but it’s never even been NOMINATED for one. To me, there is no finer or more pure form of entertainment than the TLC insta-classic “Say Yes To The Dress.” In a vast network wasteland of pure garbage shows about mothers pushing their toddlers to dance and do pageants, Honey Boo Boos and whatever the hell a “Duggar” is, “SYTTD” is honestly an entertaining and fun show. Manufactured drama aside, it’s actually pretty good. Well, except for the Atlanta spinoff, and the bridesmaids edition, and the one about plus-size brides…honestly, just stick with the one about Kleinfeld’s. You’ll be better off.

As an avid watcher of the Friday Bride Day block on TLC, which includes great shows such as “Something Borrowed, Something New” and the highly underrated “I Found The Gown,” I’ve noticed a lot of things about modern wedding culture. Like any fashion or lifestyle trend, things change as the years go on. It’s inevitable and completely understandable. However, there are a few trends we’ve seen lately that really just piss me off. I know that everyone has an opinion and his or her own personal tastes, but some of these trends are just completely fucking wrong, and you should feel bad for making them a part of your special day. If you don’t want your wedding to be awful, avoid these things like the plague.

Sexy Brides
Listen, I am ALL for a wedding gown that makes a bride feel beautiful. It’s your special day and you should look as amazing as you want, because you are a winner and you deserve it. You are the star of the show, your man is just the accessory, and everyone will be staring at Y-O-U you! But far too often on some of these bridal shows, when the salespeople ask what kind of look they want to achieve, they say, “I want to look hot,” or “I want to be a sexy bride.” BLECH.

You know I’m all about being open and embracing your sexuality. Sexuality is so important for people to own and rock every day of their lives, but HOLY SHIT THIS IS A WEDDING, not a night out at Slutty McSlut Town Bar. There is such a thing as too much cleavage, and wearing white means nothing if we can see right through the fucking thing. In fact, just the phrase “sexy bride” makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I am ALL ABOUT mermaid-style dresses–I think they’re gorgeous. You can look “sexy,” but I don’t think it’s something you can strive for. Modern? Sure. Just please stop fucking saying “sexy” and “wedding dress” in the same sentence.

Wedding Themes
I do not understand having a themed wedding. This just confuses the piss out of me. Themes are for Bar Mitzvahs so little Jewish kids can put a shred of their personality on a party that is TOTALLY more for the parents than it is for the 13-year-old kids who are too awkward to dance with the girls. Themes make for cheesy centerpieces and awful puns. There is no place for that in a wedding.

Here’s an idea for a theme: “BRAD AND JANET ARE JOINING TOGETHER IN HOLY MATRIMONY!!!” How about THAT? Two people spending the rest of their lives together. That’s the damn “theme.” If you two love Disney World, don’t have the catering hall in Edison, N.J., make the tables Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, and the Hall of Presidents–just get married in Disney World, because someone will be pissed off that you stuck them at the “Stitch’s Great Escape” table. Trust me. I’ve been there. It ain’t pretty.

But if you MUST have a theme, for the love of God, please don’t make it…

A “Great Gatsby” Wedding
Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. This wedding theme has got. to. go. Forever and ever and ever. I’m convinced that anyone who wants a “Great Gatsby” wedding has never ever read “The Great Gatsby.”

I feel like every other bride on “SYTTD” wants a “Great Gatsby” wedding because she thinks the idea of a Roaring Twenties wedding is adorable, because guests can dress up like they’re in the 1920s and listen to swing and jazz music and dance around and think they’re super fancy. And that’s fine. That’s a beautiful wedding setting. Just stop calling it “The Great Gatsby,” because it makes you sound incredibly dumb. It’s a book about bored, apathetic rich people cheating on each other and eventually EVERYONE DIES. Is that what you want associated with your wedding? If not, then STOP CALLING IT A “GREAT GATSBY” WEDDING. It’s just awful.

Custom Gowns
Maybe this is more of a jealousy thing than anything else, because Stefon wants someone to make him a dress, but I don’t get someone who walks into a bridal store like Kleinfeld’s just so she can get a custom dress. Is there really not one dress on this planet that’s good enough for you?

Here’s my thought process. Are you Beyoncé? Are you Grace Kelly? Are you friends with the fucking Olsen Twins? Then you prrrrrobably don’t need a custom dress.

Two Dresses
Again, I don’t have as much of a problem with the practice of this as much as I have an issue with the execution. I’m all about costume changes. I change my outfits at least three times a day. I understand that the wedding dress you want to wear as you walk down the aisle may not be as easy to dance around and party in. I mean, you only get one shot at a wedding ceremony (ideally) and you GOTS to look fierce, but you also want to be able to have fun at your reception and, you know, breathe in your dress. So the idea of a dress change isn’t the worst thing in the world.

However, my issue comes when the dress you change into is equally as nice and expensive as the one you just took off. If you’re doing that, what’s the fucking point of changing out of your first dress? You’re just making an excuse to buy two super expensive dresses and show off, and that’s just an asshole move, especially when someone else may or may not be footing the bill for this dress.

Then again, you can’t exactly change into a smock, either–there will be pictures at the event. You know what? Just forget I said anything. Stick to one dress, don’t make this shit so complicated.

Pnina Tornai
I just don’t like her. She knows why.

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New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM

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