Orgasms. They’re so…you know. When that thing makes you feel…that way. And your body just, you know.
When I was hanging out with some friends (yes, I have friends, thanks for asking) we were doing what we do best: drinking copious amounts of alcohol and talking about sex. But when it came down to describing how the toe-clenching, mind-blowing, body-contorting activity actually made us feel, it was–for lack of a better word and pun–hard.
So, I called in the professionals. Your favorite TSM writers are here to walk you through EXACTLY what an orgasm feels like, because, well, we’ve done the dirty work.
crismontyy – @crismontyy
Oh, God. This is happening, this is really happening. Don’t think about his hand pawing your breast like it’s Play-Doh. You are a hot sex goddess at this moment, not a stress ball. Wait. Stop doing that thing you’re doing and do the other thing. THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME. Better. Much better. Soooo much better. I swear if you stop or slow down what you’re doing right now, I will make sure you go to sleep with blue balls, so help me God. This is straight bliss. This feels like every good feeling I’ve ever felt in my short life all wrapped into a few seconds. I’ll never be this happy again, I guarantee it. I think I love you, guy-I-met-five-minutes-from-closing-time-with-the-hot-bod-and-exotic-accent. Annnnnnd it’s over. It’s over and I’m sad and you’re still groping my boob. I’ll just be sitting here thinking about our wedding colors until you’re finished.
Stefon – @StefonTSM
Having an orgasm is like taking the magic and wonder of walking down Main Street, USA, at Disney World first thing in the morning after the Magic Kingdom opens, combined with the warm, gooey familiarity of that first bite into a freshly assembled Quesarito. Because, really, aren’t we all looking for something hot, girthy, and filled with melted cheese?
Hot Piece – @VeronicaGrandex
More often than not, at least when you’re with a man, an orgasm is a lot like looking for a cab at the end of the night in Austin. After 20 minutes of waiting and waiting for it to finally happen, it starts to head toward you. This is it. You’re about to go home. The cab driver rolls down his window to ask where you’re going. You’re so close to home that you can almost feel the relief wash over you. Here it comes. Then the driver tells you he’s unable to accommodate you and drives away, leaving you high and dry and ultimately frustrated. Sex is fun. So is looking for a cab.
Babe Lincoln – @Babe__Lincoln
Picture this: you just got home from a really long, tough day. You’re completely starving, you’re angry, and you just need to eat and binge watch Netflix. You open up your freezer and there, hidden in the depths of the refrigerator, is a brand new bag of pizza rolls. You’re so filled with happiness that you throw the entire bag into the microwave and cook them on high until they become molten lava inside. When the timer dings, you take the entire plate into your bed, remove your bra after your long day, and pop the first roll into your mouth. It’s oozy and cheesy and a million-fucking-degrees, but it’s the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten in your entire life. That is what an orgasm feels like.
2 Not Broke Girls – @2NOTBrokeGirls
And it’s all a big tease
Until he leaves
To go clean himself up.
He knows to take a while
If he wants to see me smile.
The tension is there
And it doesn’t take much.
He just can’t seem to figure
Out that right touch.
I can barely breathe
And don’t want to move.
So close and in the groove.
All other thoughts escape.
It’s just me,
Because I refuse to fake.
And then that feeling of pure bliss
And I fully relax.
He comes back in
And it’s time for a nap.
From Rush to Rehab – @catie__warren
I came. I saw (God). I conquered.
yeahokaywhat – @yeah_okay_what
It’s like my vagina is a fun-sized volcano: totally dormant, but as time and cunnilingus go by, pressure starts building. Then, I remember I have to pay my credit card bill and everything stops. This cycle goes on for a while before the pressure is too much and the lady lava erupts in all of its foot-tingling, momentary deafness. It feels so good it almost hurts, glory. (Note: Please don’t take this to mean I’m a squirter, because I’m not. It happened one time and I hid in the bathroom for a while after that.)