This Step-By-Step Guide Will Show You Just How Many Calories You Consume While Drinking And OMG It Is Horrifying

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So you want to go out drinking tonight, huh? Good for you, girl. You do you. Let down your hair, break loose, and just be sure to wear your stretchy pants tomorrow. You’re gonna need the extra give.

Step One: Dinner

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Alright, let’s be honest. If you’re planning on spending your night getting absolutely hammered, you’re going to need to put something (or a lot of things) in your stomach. No one likes a lightweight. You know who they hate even more? The girl who pukes at the pregame. So, because you’re not some sort of idiot, you know that you need to concentrate on things that will fill you up and keep you full (until it’s pizza time at 2 a.m., of course).

Food options include:

2 slices of cheese pizza – 700 calories

1 standard burrito – 1,000 calories

1 burger and 1 order of fries – 800 calories

Collective total:

Anywhere from 700 – 1,000 calories

Step Two: The Getting Ready Cocktails

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Okay, so you ate dinner, went home, took a shower, and sat around naked for approximately one hour. Now it’s finally time to actually start getting ready. But obviously, you can’t properly blow dry your hair or apply winged eyeliner while 100 percent sober. No, sober activities are for losers, and you, my dear, are no such loser.

Warm-up cocktail options include:

3 glasses of wine – 330 calories

3 light beers – 315 calories

2 strong rum and Diet Cokes – 350 calories

Collective total:

Anywhere from 1,000 to 1,350 calories

Step Three: The Pregame

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Hey! You look like a real person now! Good for you. Now that you aren’t ashamed of your appearance, it’s time for you and your roommates to venture on over to that pregame and get good and drunk.

Pregame options include: 

4 strong vodka and Crystal Lights – 980 calories

3 shots of Fireball, 1 shot of tequila, 1 glass of orange juice, 1/2 solo cup of Franzia – 770 calories

2 beers, 1 shot of Fireball, 2 rounds of slap the bag – 650 calories

Collective total:

Anywhere from 1,650 to 2,330 calories

Step Four: The Bar

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Alright. All that’s left between you and the amazing yumminess of microwave pizza is two or three hours at the bar. Smile, make the guys buy your drinks, and before you know it, you’ll be in your bed with Netflix and food in no time. You got this, girl. You got this.

Bar drink options include:

1 Long Island Iced Tea, 1 shot of Fireball, 1 half-spilled gin and tonic – 530 calories

2 vodka-waters, 1 shot of Fireball, 1 shot of tequila – 505 calories

1 Bud Light, 1 Buttery Nipple shot, 2 vodka-sodas – 595 calories

Collective total:

Anywhere from 2,155 to 2,925 calories

Step Five: Drunk Food

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Praise Jesus — the drinking is done. Now it’s time to coat your stomach with literally anything and everything you can get your hands on.

Drunk food options include:

4 pieces of pizza, 1 individual bag of Doritos, 3 Oreos – 1,370 calories

1 Kraft Easy Mac, 1 Hot Pocket, 1 Diet Coke – 570 calories

1 Big Mac, 1 order of fries, 1 Crispy Ranch Snack Wrap – 1,500 calories

Collective total:

Anywhere from 2,725 to 4,295 calories

Step Six: Go To Sleep And Forget This Ever Happened

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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