Girls comparing numbers of Instagram likes with other girls is like guys comparing their dick sizes with other guys. It’s not something you talk about, but it’s a measurement that is hard to dispute, publicly visible, and a direct indicator of your level of popularity/caste in the social world.
Now granted we don’t have to hold a ruler next to our erect penis to prove our self-worth, we do go to extreme lengths to maximize the likability factor of our online selves. I mean fuck, we all know how frustrating it is when the new pic of you and your inflatable pool toy only gets 29 likes in the first hour – even with the most creative caption known to mankind. It’s punch-a-wall worthy.
But thankfully, there is now a solution. Enter: the ‘gram machine. Known in some (read: all) circles as “humanity’s lowest low in technological form”, this vending machine that will literally sell you fake Instagram likes, followers, and potentially, internet fame for the rest of eternity.
That’s right: for just $0.89, you can get yourself 100 fake Instagram likes on your brand new, perfectly edited, totally original pic. And if you’re really looking to #splurge, $850 will buy you 150,000 new followers, who are guaranteed to deliver up to 1,500 likes per post. The machine is located in an upscale shopping mall in Moscow, Russia, and is rumored to have spread to several other places across Moscow as well.
Motion to expand the Russian sphere of influence anyone? (Oh wait…).