The 64 Thoughts You’ll Have While Stalking An Ex

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It starts out innocently enough. You’re going about your day, smiling, solving the world hunger crisis, and basically just winning at life. Things are good and life is good and nothing can get you down [insert inspirational music that is the soundtrack of your life]. Then, a completely unexpected tidal wave of feelings comes hurtling out of nowhere and knocks you and your $7 nonfat Starbucks drink over. Maybe it was the smell of maple syrup (because pancakes were his favorite food), a song that came on the radio (because this is the song you two dry humped to the first time), or just a random person coming out of a random place that had some slight resemblance to him (he had that backpack. His hair is brown. He is a male around the age of 20). All of a sudden, your ex is front and center in your mind, demanding attention and upsetting your day.

Most days (well, most hours) you totally don’t even think about him. You’ve moved on. You’re so over him–does he even go to this school? But like, why? What have you heard?

Either way, despite the fact that you in no way care, you wonder what he’s doing. Is he dating anyone? I’m sure he’s not dating anyone. He seemed really upset when we ended things six months ago. I wonder if he misses me. Do you think he saw my status that was obviously about him last week? I wonder if he responded with a similar sub-status saying how he missed me.

It doesn’t matter if you’re still head over heels for the guy or if you’ve actually moved on (LOL, okay). Sometimes you just get a burning desire to know exactly how shitty his life is now that you are no longer in it. It all starts out the same way…

  1. Wow, I wonder what he’s up to.
  2. When was the last time we talked?
  3. I bet his life is super shitty.
  4. I wonder if I’m still blocked from his Facebook?
  5. Let’s just do a quick search.
  6. Did his last name have an “a” or an “e?”
  7. I’m so over him I don’t even remember how to spell his name. #GirlPower
  8. Whatever, let’s just search. It’s not like I care anyway.
  9. Please dear God, please don’t accidentally update your status with his name.
  10. This is the search bar, not the status update section. Double check, good to go.
  11. And we’re in.
  12. WOW. Nice profile picture with some skank.
  13. Who is that girl?
  14. I’m sure she’s just a friend. I’m like, much prettier than she is. Right?
  15. No, totally. I’m prettier.
  16. Why has he checked in everywhere with her?
  18. I can bowl, too, asshole.
  19. His privacy settings suck. What’s the point of being on social media if you’re going to hide everything?
  20. There she is again. And again. AND AGAIN.
  21. I wonder if she’s in a sorority.
  22. Fuck it. I’m looking into this bitch.
  23. So she IS in a sorority.
  24. I could have been top-tier, too, okay? I just didn’t want to be.
  25. I wanted a SISTERHOOD.
  26. I bet she’s a bitch. She looks like a total bitch. With zero personality.
  27. At least I have a personality.
  28. Facebook sucks. I can’t see any pictures.
  29. Let’s find her on Instagram.
  30. 2,387 followers?
  31. What is that? Does she buy them?
  32. No one can have that many unless she posts pictures of her vagina or something.
  33. Slut.
  34. Okay, well that one is actually really pretty.
  35. And that one. And that one.
  36. Fuck, she’s pretty.
  37. And look, there they are. Together. On vacation.
  38. They went on vacation together.
  39. Ugh, she’s the worst.
  40. I wonder if they’re like, official?
  41. I hope his Insta isn’t private anymore.
  42. IT’S NOT! YES. I mean, whatever.
  43. So, what–he’s successful now?
  44. Cool watch, bro.
  45. Oh look, your cute vacation in Europe with…yeah.
  46. There’s that girl. And wait. There’s a hashtag.
  47. #bestgfever
  48.  …
  49. Excuse me?
  50. Best girlfriend ever?
  54. And SHE is the best girlfriend ever?
  55. Oooooookay, asshole.
  56. I acted like you weren’t a pussy when you got drunk and cried. I WAS HALF A VIRGIN WHEN I MET YOU.
  57. Fuck this.
  58. I don’t even care.
  59. I could have a boyfriend if I wanted one.
  60. And you know what? We’d go on a better vacation.
  61. This is dumb.
  62. Where’s the fucking wine?
  63. I’m literally never going on the Internet ever again. Today.
  64. Happy subtweeting! #OverIt #SingleGirlSwag #ForeverAlone

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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