I’m going to go ahead and address the thing that women have been fighting to conceal since the ‘90s, maybe longer, and I’m not talking about panty lines. We all know that if a girl hates you, it means she’s jealous of you. We’ve been reassuring every single one of our gal pals who find themselves at the mercy of unwarranted bitchery of that very ideology for years. What we struggle to understand, however, is that it goes both ways. That’s right, if you hate another girl who hasn’t directly wronged you, you hate her too.
If you’re using one of the following phrases, that’s the first tip off that you’ve fallen victim to the j-word.
- Why does she exist?
- She’s skinny, but like, her stomach is weird.
- She is the literal opposite of what I’d like to be like.
- She’s such a slut.
- Why’s everybody obsessed with her?
- I just fucking hate her, she’s SO stupid.
- Have you seen what she just Instagrammed/Facebooked/Tweeted/Vined? God, she’s so annoying.
- If you really look at her face, she’s not that pretty.
- I’ve never met anyone faker.
- I am NOT jealous.
I know, I know. Besides “Have you gained weight?,” “We’re out of sweet potato fries,” and “You’re pregnant,” “You’re just jealous” is the worst thing you can say to a girl. Jealousy is ugly, if for no other reason, because it means some small part of you thinks someone else is in some way better than you are, and that is simply unacceptable. We try to disguise it as anger, hatred either. It’s easier to hate and judge to admit jealousy, but believe it or not ladies, it’s not normal to obsessively despise someone for no reason at all, so you probably are, in fact, jealous of your nemesis in all her average-looking, cleavage-bearing, overrated glory.
The following three girls are envied in a way that doesn’t seem justifiable, so you’re overwhelmed by hatred and don’t understand why. Hate’s a bad feeling. It causes you to dedicate so much room in your brain to someone other than yourself, and that’s no fun for anybody. Once you recognize your feeling as jealousy, you’ll be able to get over it, and stop caring.
The “Perfect” But Not Actually Perfect Girl
For me, she is the worst, and took me the longest to come to terms with, because by all internal comparisons, we came up equally, which is why jealousy felt like such an inappropriate term to describe what I was feeling, when it was, in fact, the case.
It’s important to clarify that this girl is not actually perfect. I know plenty of girls who are impossibly beautiful, kind, and smart. I do feel jealous of them, but not in a way that consumes me. I just look at their pictures for twenty minutes, occasionally licking the screen, ask myself why I’m so fat as I take another bite of my crunch wrap supreme, and then text between one and four of my best friends to ask why the object of my attention is so perfect.
The perfect-but-not girl is very different from the perfect girl, because well, she’s not perfect, she just believes herself to be and has alluded to it enough times that you’ve started to believe it, despite your better judgment. Every guy she meets is hopelessly in love with her. When she goes to the bars, she’s fighting off suitors. All of her partners have been gods in bed. She loves all of her classes, because her major is so interesting, and her professors are just the greatest. She’s just obsessed with her Zumba class, but the only downside is she’s lost so much weight, that her favorite dress is too big. Her boyfriend makes so much money — he’s just a beacon of masculinity, really. She’s just perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, PERFECT. YOU GET IT! What the fuck, universe? She’s not prettier than you, and she’s not smarter than you, and she’s not more fun to be around!
But like…wait, is she? No one’s in love with you, after all. You secretly bought two of your own drinks last night. You’ve barely been with anyone who is decent in bed, let alone these “multiple orgasms” she seems to get from every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Your classes may or may not be interesting, but you’ve never been to them, so you wouldn’t know. You’ve never complained about something being too big, and you thought people “liking” to work out was a myth. And every time you have a boyfriend you bitch about him being an idiot every chance you get?! What’s wrong with you?
I assure you, sweetie, nothing is. You are realistic and this girl is not. Nobody’s happy all the time, and no one’s life is perfect. It’s okay to be jealous if you momentarily believe this girl’s bullshit, but I promise you she’s either lying or clinically insane. Take what she says with a grain of salt and move on.
The Guys’ Girl Who Isn’t Actually A Guys’ Girl
When you think of a real guys’ girl, she is supposed to fit your very narrow definition of “one of the guys,” which most importantly means “not pretty.” You would never envy a girl who sat around eating Doritos, belching, and watching football in her size 12 jeans and t-shirt. You would also never hate her. Not a damn guy finds that pseudo-man attractive, so if she would genuinely rather talk gauges than Gucci, and watch NFL than TLC, then so be it. She’s not a threat. She serves one purpose, you serve another, and that’s just dandy.
The problem surfaces when she’s pretty. She’s not really “one of the guys,” she’s “one of the guys” with tits. It’s hard to admit you’re jealous of someone who watches shows, and participates in conversations and activities that you have no interest in, because you don’t want to be doing those things. What you do want, however, is the attention she gets. She gets to hang around them looking comfy cute, with a body comparable to yours, a pretty face, and no secret desire to get rid of his striped polo and New Balance sneakers. She has something you don’t. She “gets” things that you don’t “get” which is ridiculous, because you’re a genius and you get everything. Still, you know at any given time at least one of those guys is falling in love with her, because she neither makes him watch Long Island Princesses, nor looks like Snuffleupagus as most girls who fulfill that role do.
Is this “guy with tits” an obstacle? Absolutely, but keep in mind that for every guy who wants to marry someone he’s going to bro around with, there are a ton more who are going to appreciate the fact that you slap on some lipstick and tell him what is and isn’t appropriate to wear to a meeting, luncheon, or bar.
The Slutty Girl Who May Or May Not Actually Be A Slut
Whether she is actually sleeping her way up and down frat row, or she just wears teensy clothing and flirts loudly, everyone hates the slut, and by “hates,” of course I mean “envies.” Yes, ladies, you heard that right. Nothing is finer than the line between jealousy and judgment, and when you look at that trashy, fake tit-having, too much eyeliner-wearing, half naked, blow job queen, you are greener than Amsterdam. Let’s look at the facts. There is no reason to think twice about any girl who is beneath you, and to hate someone, means you think about them an awful lot. You’ve told yourself hundreds of times how guys don’t respect her, and no one will marry her, and she looks trashy, and blah blah blah, so it seems like you couldn’t be jealous. You certainly don’t want those things for yourself, but you still find yourself enraged by the mere thought of her giggly attention (and possibly actual) whoriness.
Why? It has no effect on you or your life, whatsoever. You are still the epitome of class you’ve worked so hard to maintain. You are, by every standard, better than this girl is, so why hate her?
The answer is simple: she’s getting attention, and you are not. It may just be short-term and it may not be as meaningful as the attention you’ll eventually get, but right now, in this moment at the bar, he’s paying attention to the girl who’s one vodka soda away from nipping out, not the girl who decided it was okay to wear pearls on two-dollar Tuesday (it’s not, by the way). Doesn’t she know that the attention she’s garnering only exists for the night? Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t, but either way, she doesn’t seem to care. She’s not affected by your judgment; she’s going after what she wants right now, which is all eyes on her while she’s young, hot, and single. That instant gratification is worth it to her right now. She doesn’t give a fuck, and you do. You’re a little jealous of that too. You become diabolically happy reveling in the thought that some day she’ll be washed up and alone, as if it’s some type of payback you’ll give her for having a lot of guys now, because, well, it kind of is, isn’t it?
Do not work yourself up about this. There are always going to be girls who care more about attention than class, and that’s fine. She made a choice and you made another. If you are unhappy with yours, you can wear smaller clothes too, and though it will ruin your political career, your husband probably won’t find out about it. Focusing on her gives her exactly what she wants, and if you’re doing exactly what you want, you really shouldn’t care.
Nice Move229
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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