A long, miserable summer break away from your sorority sisters can feel like the aftermath of an ugly breakup. You know the feeling – it’s a bleak, depressing time-warp filled with uncontrollable withdrawals and loneliness. Suddenly you’re eating breakfast alone, going to the gym alone, and even watching the finale of Girls alone. It’s a sad situation. You’ll want to relapse and wallow in sisterless, collegeless desolation. So fight it the same way you’d fight any momentary impulse to miss your ex: by zeroing in on everything you ever hated about that asshat. At least, that is, until you’re back in his profile photo again next month. Or, similarly, until you scurry back to campus for recruitment week. So remind yourself, as needed, of these six things you actually don’t miss about your sorority. Distract thyself wisely.
CHAPTER. Motion: To return Monday evenings to their rightful owner (and that’s you). All in favor, say “Bitch, please.” All opposed…are probably still showing up at the house from 5 to 7 every week, muttering unintelligibly to themselves while making a thousand meaningless tally marks and counting up tiny bits of shredded paper.
EXCESSIVE E-MAILS. Much to the chagrin of the over-caffeinated Pollyanna known as your philanthropy chair, date auctions and charity pageants take a break for the summer when you do. So the “Applications due at MIDNIGHT!!!!” and “…Deadline EXTENDED!!!” circuit goes relatively dormant for a blessed 10 to 12 weeks. Thus, your time, your money and your inbox are all yours again.
MOANING MYRTLE. We all know her. Not the obnoxious girl ghost from Harry Potter, but rather that sister who’s always having bizarrely noisy sex in the sorority house at virtually any hour of the day or night. (It’s usually not even the designated freaky sister; more often than not, Moaning Myrtle will have had her bro of choice locked down since, like, freshman year.) Snaps are, of course, in order for any sister who’s getting ass. But fortunately for you, you won’t have to deal with the vocal Olympics, the unmistakable flesh-smacking noises emanating from her room on random Tuesday afternoons, or the sheer futility of saying “Get a room” to the resident Moan-a Lisa until fall.
YOUR HOUSE MOM. At least now when you roll in post-1 a.m., you don’t have to worry about disturbing the slumber of the troll under the stairs. Perhaps she’s replaced by a troll in your parents’ room, but your real mom is way more oblivious.
SOBER-SISTERING. Feeling all bummed out and forlorn in your solitary deck chair by the pool? Think back to the last time you participated in this most noble and least desirable of “voluntary” Greek life experiences. Chances are you spent the evening creeping around the grounds of a fancy hotel with a Glad bag at the ready, checking under bus seats and bushes for lifeless pairs of Brian Atwood-clad feet, while your tipsy sisters went on obliviously macking randos, and said randos carelessly sloshed Miller Lite all over the BCBG you borrowed from your roommate just for the occasion. Ask yourself: Would you rather be there right now than here? That’s right, slather on a little more tanning oil.
THE HOUSE BANDIT. This stealthy bitch eats everyone’s hummus, helps herself to just about anyone’s hair products, and can’t keep her thirsty, grubby little hands on her own Skinnygirl margarita mix. Every time someone snags that last Greek yogurt and/or veggie burger, you’re pretty sure it was her. Rejoice and take the padlock off your fridge, girlfriend! Your stash is safe from virtually everything, except maybe blackout-you.
So enjoy your summer, and the break you’ll have from the negative aspects of school. Silver lining, ladies.