THROWBACK THURSDAY: Sexual Assholes and Emotional Sluts

“Nice Guys” love to complain about the fact that girls never like them. “Blah blah blah, woe is me, I treat her flawlessly, but she still likes that asshole.” We’re inclined to feel bad for them. They really are so sweet, and they say the right things, and they are always there for us. They are the ones who help us carry things, shovel our cars out of the snow, and bring us soup when we are sick. They plan out the perfect dates, they buy us the best and most thoughtful gifts, and they aren’t afraid to tell us how they really feel. They seem to do everything right…but we still don’t want them. It seems stupid. Is something wrong with us? No, absolutely not. There is a reason, and I hope, after having put it in these terms for them, nice guys will finally understand the error of their ways.

Everyone knows that no guy wants some old washed up whore. Sure they want us to be able to swallow their dicks whole and spit it back out without getting our teeth in the way or gasping for air. They want us to be able to ride them, gargle their balls, and scream their name all at the same time. They want us to be sexual fucking sorcerers, and I’m sure plenty of them complain about girlfriends who aren’t willing to do crazy shit, or who refuse to give blow jobs without expecting him to buy her a unicorn in return. They want us to be the best lay they’ve ever had. But they don’t want us to do those things with anyone else but them. It’s not very logical. Clearly the girls who are the most experienced are going to be the best in bed, but the reasons a guy doesn’t want a slut for more than a night or so makes sense. People like to say it’s because she’s dirty. I don’t think that’s really why. I’m sure sluts shower. They’re probably the girls who are fastest to jump on the idea of lasering their poons so they are always silky smooth, and if guys were really so concerned about catching shit, they’d opt for protection more willingly. A vagina is a vagina and if it’s attached to a hot girl, they don’t really care. The reason guys don’t want sluts is because they are easy to obtain. If you’re giving yourself out to everyone, there is no challenge. They want a challenge. Someone they need to chase after. It’s no accomplishment to get someone anyone could have.

This is where it gets interesting…or at the very least, relevant.

Nice guys…are like sluts. Emotional sluts. Think about it. What do guys want? Sex. And a girl who gives out sex left-and-right is a slut. What do girls want? Love. So a guy, who gives out love left-and-right…is a SLUT. It’s not that we don’t want a guy to be nice to us. We do. The same way guys want girls who are good in bed. But we still want it to be a challenge, so I guess that means we don’t want someone who is nice to us without making us work for it, or someone who is nice and caring to everyone. Nice guys give their love too quickly, too easily, too blatantly, and to too many girls. It’s not attractive. Nothing is attractive about a girl who will sleep with anyone, or a guy who will love anyone. It’s not a good feeling to be on the arm of a guy who’s already had feelings for a million other girls, maybe even your friends. He’s probably been turned down by plenty of girls for this very reason. So what the hell do you want with him? Everyone’s reject? The guy who literally would have wifed up any girl who wanted a relationship? What a slut. No thank you. A nice guy, just like a slut, serves his purpose. He’ll be there for a quick fix when you’re having trouble with the guy you really want…The Asshole.

The Asshole is like the prim and proper girl who doesn’t sleep with anyone. Love is in there somewhere, but they just seem to NEVER want to give it up. This is who we want. And why? Because if you get that thing from this person (love or sex, I think I’ll just use them interchangeably…they’re practically the same thing anyway, right? kidding), you get to feel AWESOME about yourself. This person doesn’t give it to just anyone. Something is special about you. This is total reaffirmation of the idea that something about you is absolutely, categorically, without question better than everyone else who has tried and failed. If you score with this person, you’ve really succeeded. People will be fighting bouts of envious shock forever. The whole world is suffering from want-what-you-can’t-have fever, particularly when it comes to relations(hips) with the opposite sex.


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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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