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Timeline Of An All Nighter

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Truth be told: all nighters fucking suck.

6 p.m.
You’ll go to the library right after a quick 15 minute (hour long) catnap. That way you’ll be refreshed and ready to study.

7:24 p.m.
It would be in poor taste to arrive at the library without a fresh Starbucks. Get a venti iced, a venti latte, a venti whatever. Add a double shot–you’ll need it. Actually, just buy as much caffeine as you can possibly carry. As for snacks, you know what you like. You’re about to be miserable for the next 10 hours, so calories don’t count. Let’s make that a rule–from now on, library calories don’t count. Put it on your parents’ credit card for good measure. A $14 charge at Starbucks is a small price to pay for you to pass Econ 301.

7:36 p.m.
You walk in and see everyone you know. You get really excited and act like you haven’t seen your sisters in a year. Then you complain about how you have to study all night and ask how late everyone plans to stay. You head for a table instead of a cubicle–those are social suicide. Also, if you can’t talk to anyone what’s the point? You make sure you sit in the middle of the table, because that’s the best view of your library crush. Can he see you, too? Yes. Good. You DO NOT (for obvious reasons) let him have a view of your computer screen.

7:40-8:04 p.m.
You read and refresh Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, and then you stalk pictures from the last social. You change your cover photo. then you pick what summer picture you’re going to #TBT this week. Next, you deny the friend request from the international in your accounting class. “No, I don’t care about your first trip to NYC,” you think.

8:05 p.m.
You take your Adderall.

8:07 p.m.
You put up your hair.

8:08 p.m.
Now, you take down your hair.

8:16-9:54 p.m.
It’s time to buckle down. As much as you’d like, you can’t rely on your fabulous smile and great personality forever. Eventually, someone will be younger and prettier than you are–hey, you’re pretty mature for thinking this. You immediately start panicking because everything looks unfamiliar. The professor totally didn’t teach this in class. Actually, what do you know? You spent the entire time on Tinder and Pinterest.

9:55-11 p.m.
Econ is starting to make sense, and you’re seriously considering emailing your adviser to change your major. You could be the next great female CEO!

11-11:42 p.m.
Tragedy strikes as nature takes over. You check Facebook. Your fingers moved themselves! Suddenly you’re stalking your grandbig’s junior Prom date.

11:43 p.m.
Snap out of it. What the hell are you doing? You have a test in 11 hours on seven chapters, and all you know for sure is that the guy who sits in front of you has six fleece pullovers and prefers Dunkin to Starbucks.

11:48 p.m.
Everyone you know has departed and it’s just you and your own self-loathing. You just spent 18 minutes carefully aligning you computer and papers. Then you reorganized them. You considered Instagramming your creation. The seven highlighters standing in rainbow order around your pencil case would be sure to get tons of likes.

Midnight-2 a.m. 
It’s an epiphany! People who sit in the library quietly and read their books actually learn things. Maybe you should do this more often. The only other people in the library are the academically superior pre-med students and the people who certifiably look like they never leave. If you do this often enough, maybe you’ll become smart by association. You realize this is what burning the midnight oil is like.

2-5 a.m.
You’ve concluded 2-5 a.m. in the library and 2-5 a.m. on Saturday night is the same thing: a blackout. Seriously, in the morning you truly will not remember anything besides several trips to the bathroom and inhaling calories that’ll make you cringe later.

6:30 a.m. 
You make the walk of shame home–but is that really what it is? Whatever, you’ll fit right in with the others. They, too, are in sweatshirts and look like shit. The only difference is that you have highlighter stains on your hands, not black Xs.

6:37 a.m.
Throw your backpack on the floor and crash in bed in the same clothes you’ve been wearing for the past 20 hours. You haven’t brushed your teeth, but you don’t care. Your roommate is sleeping soundly and your caffeine high is starting to come down. You’re shaking, and you feel like an addict. Maybe you need rehab. No, you need sleep.

9:18 a.m. 
You wake up for your 9:15 a.m. exam.

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kittykath

Kathryn is a blonde-blue who splits her time between socializing in the library and living up to her weekend nickname. Her "Release When 21" album will go down in history but might ruin her husband's Presidential Campaign. She only wears red nail polish and would probably cry if her barista quit.

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