Timeline Of The Cooler Painting Saga

Timeline Of The Cooler Painting Saga


Through sly methods of coercion, you have managed to manipulate your way into a formal invite. Whether you’ve been hooking up with this guy for a while, he’s your boyfriend, or some guy you just met, it’s not important. All that matters to you is the fact that you will get to spend a weekend wasted on the beach, and get to be dressed up for a night filled with cute Instagram pictures. You immediately text all of your besties to announce the good news, and are overjoyed to find out that they got the same formal invite.


After you receiving your invitation, you began diligently scouring The Cooler Connection and Pinterest for cute and original DIY cooler painting ideas. You head to your local Target to buy a cooler, only to find that they are should out. The sales lady is mystified by the sudden increase in cooler sales, but it is no shock to you, because everyone and their mother is buying a cooler for formal right now. You visit every store within the vicinity, but it’s the same sad story. Finally, at a Walmart 25 miles away from campus, you find a cooler (after almost dying in a brawl with that girl you hate from your rival sorority). You round out your day with a trip to Hobby Lobby or Michael’s where you drop an ungodly amount of money on painting supplies that you will undoubtedly throw away after you finish your cooler.


You’re kind of at a loss over what exactly to put on your cooler. All of the options are overwhelming, and you’re eager to make a damn good piece of artwork, the likes of which would make Monet himself jealous. Should you just go for the generic fratty designs? After extensively Facebook stalking your date, you have a few good leads over what he’d like. You figure it’d be a good idea to casually text him in a subtle attempt to figure out his interests (which consequently quickly turns into the most awkward conversation ever).


You and your friends all meet at the house to start painting your coolers. After you finish the tedium of sanding, priming, and doing base coats of paint, you begin to work on your actual design. An unspoken competition emerges between you and your friends over which cooler will turn out the best. You end up scratching half of your original designs to opt for things that, while they may be more risky, if pulled off, will make you a cooler-painting goddess.


After logging about 35 hours working on this cooler already, you consider moving it to your room so you can work on it around the clock and protect it from jealous onlookers. You start referring to it by a nickname you’ve given it or “my baby.” You vow to protect this thing with your life. You’ve only finished about half of it, but you still have time.


It’s been a busy week, and while you’re up until the early hours of morning trying to finish this cooler, it’s not nearly as close to done as you’d like. Plus, one of the designs you attempted isn’t looking so hot. Fuck it, you pull out the Mod Podge to finish up.


You’re sitting in class, coming up with a list of things to pack as soon as you get back to your room when HOLY SHIT, you realize you forgot to purchase the alcohol. You text your big, and you and her head immediately to the liquor store to load up on booze.


You obsessively look over your cooler, fixing every last detail to make it perfect. No imperfections are allowed. Your date gives you the details of when he’s going to pick you up, and you seal your cooler.


You start pregaming with your friends, and get a text from your date saying he’ll be there in an hour to pick you up and take you to the pre-formal party. You freak out and finish getting ready for the bus. You have to look hot, but not like you tried too hard.


Your date arrives and you make him admire your hard work. He’s appreciative, but you’re let down by the fact that he isn’t over-the-top excited at your masterpiece. Inner panic sets in. Has he seen other girls’ coolers? Are they way better than your own? When you get to the house, you size up all of the coolers you see, and while most of them are pretty good, none really compare. Your baby is definitely top three, if not number one. You finally feel at peace knowing that you killed it.


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Things_That_Sparkle (@SparkleThatTSM) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move.

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