- Ah. FINALLY home after the day from hell.
- See ya later, bra.
- So long, pants.
- Talk to you never, uncomfortable booties.
- Now time to settle in for an evening of Favored food, romantic comedies, and a date with the ole vibrator.
- *phone buzzes.*
- Must be my mom with yet another link to an old, viral video that’s circling Facebook.
- I get that shelter dogs are cute mom, but if it has 30,000,000 views, you can bet I’ve seen it.
- *checks phone*
- “Get ready bitch, we going out.”
- …
- Fuck.
- Can I just pretend I didn’t see this?
- *phone buzzes*
- “I know you’re reading this. Get ready. We’re leaving in 20.”
- 20?
- Like, 20 minutes?
- Uhhh, I don’t think that’s happening.
- Let me just look in the mirror to confirm that I look like an extra on The Walking Dead.
- Yeah. There’s no way I’m going.
- Is that a cheese puff in my hair?
- *phone buzzes.*
- “You’re coming.”
- You know what? Fuck it.
- I’ll go, but I’m not getting ready.
- I can’t get ready.
- I’ll just wear the maxi that requires no bra, throw my hair in a messy bun and go bare-faced.
- No, I don’t look good, but I’m also boycotting so whatever.
- And hey! Maybe they’ll change their minds when they see that I look like a sewer rat that decided to grow out its hair and dye it a shitty ombrè.
- *knock on the door*
- “Yeah yeah I know I look like shit, but it’s fine. I just won’t go.”
- Dammit, they didn’t fall for it.
- Well, alcohol should help this situation.
- Shot.
- Shot.
- Overfilled glass of wine? Why not?
- Fireball.
- “Don’t worry guys, I’ll get us an Uber.”
- Smart idea, girl who has no paycheck. Smart idea.
- At least this way I can pick where we’re going.
- “Let’s just go some place cute and lowkey!”
- Thank God they fell for it.
- Sure, it’s a whole strip of bars, but they all have low lighting, seating, and the guarantee that I won’t run into anyone I know.
- Let’s do this shit.
- *phone buzzes*
- “Snapchat from: John High School”
- John High School?
- Like, the John from my high school who I had a painful crush on?
- The John from my high school who I almost hooked up with but never got the chance?
- The John from my high school who I should have dumped my shitty high school boyfriend for?
- Why is *he* Snapchatting me?
- It’s only been like, 900 years.
- “Hey! I’m in your area visiting a friend. Where are you going out tonight?”
- Oh my god.
- Oh my GOD.
- The dick that got away is here. HERE. Breathing the air of my city.
- Looking for me.
- Longing for me.
- Wanting me.
- Tonight is it. The night.
- The night I bang my high school crush.
- *glances at self in mirror*
- Oh, wait. Except I look like the girl from The Ring.
- Okay, I’ll just send him a DM and say I can’t.
- Sure, it’s a loss, but I’d rather he remember me as a hot high school senior than a washed up postgrad with twenty extra pounds and undereye bags.
- “Can’t tonight, I’m sick. Maybe next time.”
- Perfect. Now, to hit the bar!
- Shot.
- Mixed drink.
- “Chelsea, is that you?”
- *heart stops.*
- *blood freezes.*
- *time ceases to exist.*
- I turn around and there he is.
- Those eyes. That stubble. Those muscles.
- He got hotter. He definitely got hotter.
- “Oh, uh. Hi.”
- “I thought you were sick?” he laughs.
- HE LAUGHS. HE’S LAUGHING MAYBE IT’S ALL OKAY.
- And here’s the hug.
- Yes. He definitely got hotter.
- “So uh, how are you?”
- “Good, good. Good. I’m fine. You?”
- Okay, this is good. Small talk is good. People do this.
- Maybe if you talk, he won’t realize you went from a 9 to a 2.
- I just need to let him know that I don’t always look this bad.
- But like, casually. Cooly.
- “I usually brush my hair you know.”
- There. Good. Nailed it.
- Oh. You’re leaving? You have to go?
- “Yeah, cool. Nice to see you. I’ll just go kill myself now.”
- Well fuck.
- Time to blackout then.
- Tequila.
- Fireball.
- “Why doesn’t he likeeee me?”
- Vodka soda.
- “He’s nottt that fucking great.”
- Fireball.
- “Ima text him.”
- “Why did youuy leavee? You know i used to love yout rightt?”
- There!!!!! That should show him.
- He needs to know his truth.
- *phone buzzes*
- “Haha I know.”
- …
- He knows?
- He KNOWS?
- He fucking knows?
- Cue: crying at the bar.
- “I don’t even fucking care he’s not even that hot!”
- “I BET HIS PENIS ISN’T EVEN GREAT.”
- “I USUALLYYY BRUSH MY HAIR.”
- Throw up in the bushes or the sink? Bushes or sink? Bushes or sink?
- Bushes.
- “I don’t want any fucking water I just want John’s dick.”
- Water.
- Tacos.
- *cries in the back of the Uber.*
- “Why doesn’t he lovee me?”
- I should text him, right?
- Fuck you Stacey, I know what I’m doing.
- “Sorry about thast. I dont love yu tha much.”
- Perfect.
- Now to just delete these so I don’t see them tomorrow.
- Fuck guys.
Nailed it..
Nice Move168
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