February 18 is National Drink Wine Day. Every day of my life is Drink Wine Day, but today’s a national holiday. Maybe I’ll splurge on something other than my usual double bottle of Barefoot Pinot Noir–like, two double bottles of Barefoot Pinot Noir.
Wine is the glorious middle ground between beer and liquor. You can get pretty smashed while appearing to have a refined taste. You can also kill a whole bottle without looking like an alcoholic. At any time of day, you can casually drink wine, whether you’re answering the door, getting a pedicure, watching a children’s sports game, or even shopping with minimal judgment. Hell, with a glass of wine in your hand you become 43 percent prettier, classier, and smarter. So if anything, drinking wine gives you the power to judge those who are not.
Wine is the perfect peace offering, hostess gift, or “hey, get casually drunk with me on a Tuesday” beverage. I highly recommend holding any sort of serious conversation over a bottle of vino, preferably one with higher alcohol content if you’re dealing with something particularly nasty. Not only does “I hate your mother and your penis is lackluster” roll off the tongue a lot easier after those fist two glasses of grown up grape juice, but no one will get too upset because hey, there’s wine.
Good day? Have a glass of wine. Bad day? Have the whole bottle. Wine is made of grapes. Grapes are fruit. You’re basically drinking fruit. This sort of airtight logic is all you need to tell yourself when you begin to feel a little guilty about polishing off that box of Franzia.
Wine brings people together. It’s a fact. It makes dates less awkward, getting to know your new sisters easier, and helps roommates put aside their issues. World peace could be achieved if all the world leaders gathered over a few boxes of wine.
It’s also a great excuse to eat cheese or chocolate. Food that pairs well with wine is practically guilt and calorie free because the back of the bottle suggests it. I mean, what are you supposed to do, ignore the advice of professionals? No.
You never need an excuse to have a glass of wine, but you have one for today. So fix a cheese plate, finish off your Valentine’s chocolate, and get a little wine drunk tonight. It’s a holiday, after all.