Perhaps I’m a cynic and wildly jaded. Feel free to disagree with everything I say and continue to naively believe every handsome “gentleman” who crosses your path, but I’ve known enough douchey boys to come to the conclusion that everything a guy ever says is a lie. Well, maybe not everything. When they tell you “I’m really not looking for a girlfriend right now” they probably mean that. But I’ve composed for you the top five most frequently used lies that you shouldn’t fall for twice.
1. “No, I don’t have a girlfriend.”
I try to refrain from asking “do you have a girlfriend” because not only is it incredibly awkward, but in my experience, you’ll never ever get a straight answer. If you for some reason feel compelled to ask, here’s a hint: the answers “ummmm,” “not really,” and “well, technically no” all mean “basically yes.” He’s not buying your drinks because he thinks you look thirsty; he wants you to ride his baloney pony. Do you know what’s a bigger cockblock than a coldsore? A girlfriend. No one likes to be the other woman and Casanova knows that. If you think this striking stranger might be betrothed and “become homewrecker” isn’t on your bucket list, you’re just going to have to “not be that kind of girl” and facebook stalk the shit out of him in the morning like the rest of us. If you’ve already creeped your heart out and you find one busty red-head is featured throughout his prof pics (commenting on all of them with irritating hearts and “love this one!”) she probably counts even if they aren’t FBO. If there’s someone specific to ask about, and particularly if he responds with “Who, Brittany? No!” I hate to break it to you… but “Brittany” is his girlfriend.
2. “I use condoms with everyone else.”
Most guys hate condoms. I get it. But you know what probably sucks more? The human papiloma virus. You know who’s not affected by that? People who have penises. He has nothing to worry about. You do. Blah blah blah safe sex… I’m not trying to preach to the choir with the same thing you’ve been learning since the 8th grade. My point is, if he doesn’t use condoms with you, he’s not using them with anyone else either, because there aren’t as many consequences. It’s no coincidence that every time you convinced him to wear a happy hat, that he had to go borrow it from his roommate. That could mean one of two things… He either ran out because he’s “using them” so often with “everyone else” or he’s a manipulative douchefuck and he doesn’t bother to begin with. Lose-lose. I know you feel like a lady when he tells you that he “can tell you’re a clean girl” but the reason he’s asking “you don’t trust me?” is because you shouldn’t trust him.
3. “I don’t want to move too fast.”
This might be the most clever fabrication of them all. This insidious jerk-off is smart. He knows someone like you wouldn’t have given it all up right away no matter what, but you’re a smokeshow, so you’re worth a little effort. He slyly plants the seed. What goes through your mind when he tells you he wants to take it slow? One of two things: Wait, what? Why isn’t he trying to go for it? Omg, I’m hideous. OR: Wow, he’s different. He really cares about me. I’m drunk and in his bed and he could have totally taken advantage of me, and he didn’t. What a great guy. WRONG! Either scenario works out in his favor. If you think he’s not interested you’ll obviously be back in no time. However, if you think he’s being chivalrous he will play you like a bagpipe. With a simple “I try to be careful with girls I care about” he’s already guaranteed himself a probable bone in the near future. By denying sex, he’s already proven himself worthy of it. Nothing can hasten the dropping of your panties like him telling you it’s not what he’s about.
4. Anything you told him to say.
You might be thinking “why would I tell him to lie to me?” Trust me, you do it all the time. Or at least you write lines you’d like him to feed you. Think about it. He sends you the same “come over” text he sent you last weekend and you tell him you’d rather not walk alone. Reluctantly he agrees to come to your place and you ask him “you’d come all the way here?” Hello! The literal only thing for him to say in response is “for you… yes.” He didn’t really just say you were special… you just TOLD him to say you were special. Don’t bother asking “his type.” If you have dark hair, he has a thing for brunettes. And “blue eyes remind him of the ocean” (or something equally puke-ridden). What an effing coincidence. YOU have blue eyes. This isn’t rocket science. He’s just telling you what you want to hear. If he’s saying the most perfect things it’s only because they’re the most perfect things to say. Not sorry.
5. “I’ll text you tomorrow.”
This could mean you’ll hear from him tomorrow. Or it could mean you’ll hear from him in two weeks. Or it could be his way of saying he’s already forgotten your name.
Nice Move358
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
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