Sometime last year, I wrote a list of the top ten biggest turn-offs for girls. It got a lot of backlash because I said it’s unattractive for guys to cry. The troll community was deeply offended by that…who’s surprised? Pussies. Ever since, I’ve had the intention of writing out a list of my top ten turn-ons. Not just like…big arms, big wallet, big penis, but random little things that drive girls wild. It only took me 365+ days, but here are the top ten sexiest things a man can do:
1. Wear A Suit
A well-dressed man is undeniably attractive. There’s a reason we tolerate your stank foot — because a nice pair of boat shoes or loafers allow us a sigh of relief. I cringe when I see a guy with poor taste in footwear. Sneakers are for the gym. Flip flops are for the beach. Period. But khaki shorts, a polo, and Sperrys are child’s play. It’s a sundress equivalent. You look nice, but it’s what you should be wearing. Additional points are not awarded for dressing appropriately. You don’t get a gold star for doing what you should be doing. This is just what’s expected. When we see a man in a well-tailored suit, however, that’s what really gets the lady juices flowing. Nothing is hotter. Seeing you in your fancy pants gives us a feeling similar to the one you get when we’re wearing…I don’t know, nothing. A suit, gentlemen, is your best wingman, and your tailor should be your best friend.
2. Manual Labor
No, not for your career, dumbass. Just for funsies. While I do appreciate a guy who has the ability to pay someone else to do things for him, it’s not really the epitome of masculinity. Watching a guy carry heavy boxes, change a tire, or shovel the driveway is a nice reminder that you’ve got a man on your hands, one who can easily pick you up (swoon), not just lift you off the ground (*cough* Dave), but carry you as if you’re weightless. Hot.
3. Excel At Sports
To say that I’m not into sports is an understatement. I’ve never sat through an entire football game in my life, I don’t even know what basketball is, and I only watch baseball during the last few series of the playoffs when my team has made it that far (which, admittedly, is every year, because my team is the Yankees. Hi haters). But jersey chasers are a thing for a reason. Women like athleticism. Part of me believes that no girls like sports; they just get their kicks out of watching hot guys play them. If it’s your man leading his team to victory, you can’t help but feel proud that everyone just watched this guy do something fucking awesome, and he chose you. Conversely, if you invite me to your intramural game, I’ll be thrilled to watch you play. Just don’t lose. Seriously.
4. Have A Good Bromance
I love bromances. Love them. Almost nothing is more adorable in an “I’d like to have sex with you” way. I’m not entirely sure why, but boy besties are just so cute. I love to see them pal around and genuinely care about a person other than themselves. So rare for guys. A good bromance is hard to find. Think Ben Affleck and Matt Damon — hot on their own, hotter together. For whatever reason, true best friendships are an unexpected delight. It somehow reminds you that your guy is human. Or something. No homo.
5. Be Intelligent
I like a smart guy. Much to everyone’s surprise, I’m a pretty smart gal. You know that awkward moment when you say something mildly intelligent in the morning, and even after having hooked up with a guy for months, he’s still shocked, causing him to blurt out a “Wait, are you…smart?” I’ve been on the receiving end of that question more times than I can count — my voice is very high and I touch my hair a lot. Maybe it’s the daddy issues talking, but I like a guy to be a little smarter than I am, at least in some ways. I like to feel like he can teach me things. Mostly, I don’t like to feel like I have to explain everything to him. He needs to be smart to get deep (no pun intended, pervs), and I really enjoy the occasional meaningful conversation…just ask everyone who’s ever spoken to me. Chatty Cathy in the house.
6. Smell Good
My love for men’s cologne started in the fifth grade when my nasal cavity was overloaded with the death scent coming from Abercrombie (kids) for the first time. It was a welcomed break from the boys who smelled like “playing outside” that I went to school with. From that point forward, I allowed a guy’s scent to overwhelm me. I will nearly stop in my tracks when a good cologne walks by, and despite the physical appearance of the wearer, he will forever be attractive to me. Nothing beats smelling man on your pillow the next day, or that thing that happens when a guy walks by you and his cologne-filled wind hits you a second later. You know? No? Just smell good, fellas, okay?
7. Play With Kids
The irony of the pedophiliac undertones of this one is not lost on me, I promise, but I swear I’m not attracted to mentally deranged men. Well, I am, but not the kind who take their derangement out on children. Still, if you find me a 7 who tells me that, in his spare time, he coaches little league, has dinner and a movie with his niece and nephew once a week, or volunteers as a mentor, he becomes a 10. Seriously, up three whole points. A masculine dude who’s able to show you he thinks kids are the shit is the most effective foreplay. Something, something, biological impulse, something, something, signifies he’ll be a good dad. If this means I’m occasionally attracted to men who are already dads, so be it. Everyone loves a good DILF.
8. Defend Your Honor
If playing is attractive, you’ve got to assume fighting is even more attractive. Not senseless, Jersey boy “I hope this guy says something to me, because I feel like fighting tonight,” fighting, but fighting for a reason — the reason being your girl. Whether or not it’s brutish and barbaric, if a guy’s willing to throw a punch, and more importantly, take a punch because some douchebag disrespected his lady, that’s hot. Personally, my inner animal likes to see the testosterone flying, too, but the most important thing here is the psychology behind it — his love for me outweighs his love for not having a black eye.
9. Act As An Authority Figure
There’s just something about alpha males. What better way to show everyone who’s boss by, uhh, being the boss? Women fawn over men who can command a room, lead a group, haze a pledge, whatever tickles your fancy. It’s not that we’re drawn to guys who are able to be elitist pricks (necessarily). It’s the power, real or perceived. If a guy’s an authority figure, and can sternly give orders and see them followed through, he has power, which is arguably an even more attractive thing to have than money. Arguably.
10. Be Funny
Ever hear a girl say, “I don’t like him. He’s just too funny”? Of course you haven’t, and you won’t. A sense of humor is the number one most attractive quality in a guy, like…worldwide. I don’t have data to back that up, but I’m still pretty confident it’s true. I would choose a funny guy over a good-looking one, or a mentally stable one (evidently) any day of the week. Everyone likes a funny guy — even other guys, which makes a funny guy a social badass. You’ve given him the gift of beauty, and receive the comfort of knowing everyone’s glad you’re toting him around. Plus, laughter is lovely. It’s the ultimate win.