True Life: My Ex Got My Initials Branded On His Ass


I thinks it’s ironic how only girls get branded with the reputation for being “clingy” when in reality the creepy shit that goes on between the sexes is for sure divided 50/50 between guys and girls. Sure, it’s more of a girl thing to refresh our ex’s Instagram waiting to see if he posts a pic with the new slutty brunette you heard “through the grapevine” he’s been hooking up with, or key his car if you’re into the more intense “quasi Carrie Underwood” shit, but contrary to popular belief guys do plenty of creepy clingy things as well. Yes, you might hear an occasional story about the guy that waited outside his ex-girlfriends’ apartment to make sure she didn’t bring home another guy, or an anecdote about a guy that accidentally liked a picture on Facebook of a girl he was messaging on Tinder from her 2012 family vacay, but I’ve yet to hear a story as strange as what MY ex did post breakup.

My ex-boyfriend Chad is the star of 98 percent of my best “laugh-till you-pee-your-pants” stories. He’s totally known by all my sorority sisters (and our house-mom) for acting like a chronically drunk 7 year old and for his impulsive actions that he usually regrets the following morning. Ever since we broke up, he’s sent me a series of drunken bible-long messages pouring out his feelings and done low key stalker-isn things like show up to bars and parties that I’m at (classic broken-hearted guy stuff). That being said, over the weekend he did something that as far as I know took the crazy-guy cake.

I was out having drinks with some girl friends on Saturday night when I heard the familiar “ding” of my phone in my purse. I unlocked my screen to find a new iMessage from a random number with a video attachment. I proceeded to watch the one minute and fifteen second video attachment in horror with my four best friends leaning over my shoulders. Just over a minute was all it took for Chad to make a decision that made the rest of his drunken impulsive decisions seem lame. A minute was all it took for him to make a mistake that he would not only regret the following morning, but probably for the rest of his life. After drinking a fifth of whiskey, Chad got my initials branded on his ass.

“What the actual fuck did I actually just watch,” were the only words I could mutter at the conclusion of the video. Seeing my Ex expose his bare ass to the camera, bite down on a lemon wedge, be held in place by two guys, be branded with a glowing red coat hanger, then drop to the ground screaming in agony was not exactly a sight I expected to see while peacefully drinking martinis on a Saturday night. All four of my friends were absolutely dying of laughter and I just stared into space wide-eyed, terrified, confused, and thankfully pretty drunk. To this day I still have no idea what the fuck Chad’s intentions were behind his stupidity but if it was at all an attempt to get me back let me just make one thing clear: Desperate is never sexy. (Cough*Looking at all you Carrie Underwood types*Cough) Long story short, I’m pretty sure after all that I need to order Chad a trophy inscribed with the words “Biggest Pain in the Ass Ex.” Pun definitely intended, as I’m sure his ass will be sore for at least the next few days.

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My life is pretty much one big awkward embarrassing moment. Dream-self is a cross between Amy Schumer and Serena Van der Woodsen. I like LITs a little too much and am standards board's worst nightmare. If you don't party on Tuesdays then what's the point of college..? Feel free to email me funny stories and Memes because I love to laugh and there's a chance I might be able to make you laugh too. xo

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