A girl’s relationship with her father is the single most important relationship she will ever have with a man, as it sets the stage for her relationships with all other men (which can affect her relationships with women) as she grows into adulthood. You’ve always thought you had a pretty normal relationship with your father. He always came to all your dance recitals…though he skipped out on competitions. He bought you a Valentine every year. He calls you Princess. He always told you he loved you, and showed you so through expensive gifts…KIDDING, you totally hang out, maybe! Nothing really points to Daddy Issues, per se, but the fact remains…you do really like attention. Like, a lot. So, the question on everyone’s minds? Does your Daddy love you? Is your relationship normal? Do YOU…have Daddy issues? Get out a pen and paper and get ready to answer ten simple questions that the experts at TSM have concluded will determine with 100% accuracy whether or not your father and subsequently, every other man that you have ever and will ever encounter in the entirety of your life, cares about you.
1. Take a quick look at your facebook (as if you don’t already stalk yourself enough). Which of the following is closest to the pattern you find in your profile pictures.
a. Both my cover photo and my profile picture are of myself, with only myself, and taken by myself. I know my angles better than anyone, and it’s annoying to have to ask people to retake and retake to get the perfect one. Plus it’s MY profile picture…why would it feature anyone but me?
b. Most of my profile pictures are of me and my best friend/roommate/little…or at least half of their faces anyway and my cover photo is a group shot of my pledge class on Bid Day this year.
c. My profile pictures are pretty much a slideshow of my love life and all the different boyfriends I’ve had for 5 minutes because no guy is ever perfect enough to keep around. During the rare times that I actually don’t have a boyfriend…for some reason, my profile picture is normally of me as a baby or me with my bio sister.
2. Your friends are…
a. Mostly girls. I find that most guys are immature and vulgar and I have little to talk with them about.
b. A pretty decent mixture of guys and girls.
c. Mostly guys. For some reason I’ve never really gotten along with girls. I can’t handle the drama, and jealousy tends to be an issue (theirs, not mine). I can’t help it that guys love me, and I really love them…I just want to be around guys. All the time.
3. When you meet a guy, what is the first thing that you look for in him?
a. While I’m semi (mostly) serious about wanting a hottie who can support my shopping addiction, the most important thing to me is actually how he makes me feel. I just want someone who will make me happy.
b. Really, as long as he’s paying attention to me, not much else matters.
c. Would my Daddy approve of him? If he’s in the same line of work as my father that is an INSTANT plus.
4. How often do you talk to your Dad?
a. I talk to my Daddy every single day. He gives the best advice and always brightens my day…I’m gonna call him right now actually.
b. Sometimes it’s just via text or e-mail, and sometimes it’s a quick 5-minute call to butter him up before I make a big purchase with his credit card, but I normally talk to him at least once or twice a week.
c. Who? No, I’m kidding. But we don’t talk that often. I see him when I go home and that’s pretty much it. No, really, I’m kidding…I know who my dad is.
5. True or False: You have to give head to get head.
a. False, it has to be his birthday for him to get head…maybe.
b. False, I feed him sandwiches, he feeds me dick. That’s how he likes it. And me too, that’s how I like it too. Plus, I’m like…really good at fellating, everyone tells me so and it’s just about my favorite thing to hear.
c. True, generally. I mean, I don’t keep like a tally or anything, but I like to think we keep each other satisfied in the boudoir.
6. It’s 2:30AM, bars have been closed for about 30 minutes, you’re beyond wasted and ready to make some regrettable decisions. You get the infamous “Come overrrr” text from your fratdaddy. How do you respond?
a. You walk, no you fucking run, from wherever you are to the fratcastle. If you don’t make it there quickly, his drunk ass is going to pass out before you get to enjoy his (hopefully) erect penis.
b. Sober you would never…but she’s not here right now. Drunk you plays coy for a little bit, but you eventually tell him if he wants to see you he’ll come to your place because you’re NOT walking, and he’d best bring a pizza and Her Pleasure Trojans.
c. I don’t do booty calls. Ever.
7. You’ve been talking to a guy for a little while and he asks you for nudes. How do you react?
a. I mean, nothing’s wrong with that for your boyfriend, but I’m not just going to send out pictures to randos that can later end up in the community fraternal spank bank. He can come over for the real thing if we’re not official.
b. Sending nudes is stupid. It’s just stupid. I would never do that. If a guy is asking for those, he doesn’t respect you. Plus, I’d be nervous it would show up on my phone bill somehow.
c. A casual “wish you were here” tit pic never hurt anyone. I’d even do it without being asked. Who cares? Only way to guarantee a text-back, and it will 100% be telling you how hot it made him. Winning.
8. Never Have I Ever…
a. Beaten someone in Never Have I Ever. I’m a wild card. Judge me.
b. Shit, this game is so hard, ummm…Oh! Never have I ever been eiffel towered.
c. This game is juvenile and classless, and this information is private. I’m not playing.
9. You’re heading out and you’re dressed to the nines. Define…..“the nines.”
a. Whatever gets me noticed. Usually that doesn’t involve a whole lot of fabric.
b. Something classy that I wouldn’t embarrass me if my father saw pictures on Facebook. We’re Facebook friends.
c. You mean like…going out drinking right? During the day, I’m all about the sundress, but at night I dress a little more risque.
10. You were at Mardi Gras and naturally being harrassed to earn yourself some beads. You…
a. Normally would never have done such a thing. And I was really torn, but we were at Mardi Gras, I was drunk, they were chanting…But that was the only time I ever flashed anything other than my smile! YOLO?
b. Barely even flash my boyfriend. If you expect me to do something so trashy, I had better be getting a lot more in return than a set of plastic beads.
c. Do it. Why the fuck not? I have great tits, might as well show them off. That’s the logic I used all the other times I flashed a group of random guys.
Use the following key to arrive at your score.
1) a-0, b-1, c-2……2) a-2, b-1, c-0……3) a-1, b-0, c-2……4) a-2, b-1, c-0……5) a-2, b-0, c-1……6) a-0, b-1, c-2……7) a-1, b-2, c-0……8) a-0, b-1, c-2……9) a-0, b-2, c-1……10) a-1, b-2, c-0
Scores of 14-20: Daddy’s Little Ice Bitch
Welp, Daddy loves you alright. That’s for shit sure. But really…Does anyone else? We’ve all heard the phrase “a face that only a mother could love,” turns out yours is the personality only a father could. You have a suuuper special relationship with Dad, that’s bordering on creepy. He’s quite literally…the only guy who matters to you. I’m really happy that your father would be proud of you all the time…but you’re not actually as pretty as he says, so you don’t really have the right to snub your nose at everyone. And if your thought during a make-out sesh is what would my daddy think instead of what is my FRATdaddy thinking, it might be time to cut the umbilical cord a little, or whatever it is that connects you to your father (I guess technically that would be your credit card…don’t cut that. But you get the point). And of course no one’s ever going to be as wonderful as the man who raised you, no one expects a guy to be quite as great as her father…but for some reason, you’ve taken this to mean you’re too good for everyone. NEWSFLASH: the only person who thinks that is you…and maybe Daddy, so it’s time to take the stick out of your ass and go on a date with reality if you ever want to be on one with someone else. Just because your father has nothing better to do than grovel at your feet doesn’t mean that anyone else thinks you’re special.
Scores of 7-13: Oh, Daddy Dear, You Know You’re Still Number One…Usually
Congratulations! Daddy gave you juuust enough hugs as a little girl that you’ve become a confident, secure young woman…but not so many that you were suffocated, eventually causing you to grow into an intolerable spoiled brat with a ridiculously exaggerated superiority complex. Your dad never left you wanting for anything, but he called you on your shit occasionally, or he at least released you to your mother if you behaved poorly but he couldn’t go through with a scolding himself. He made sure you knew he loved you, but you are (though sparingly) fallible. As a result, you know that attention from male figures is lovely and you’re absolutely willing to have some fun, but it’s not the only thing that matters. More importantly, you realize that in plenty of situations…your dad DOESN’T COUNT as the target male audience. You know he’s not going to find out if you decide to go all the way with your boyfriend, but you also respect yourself enough not to slut it up for every guy with a roman numeral after his name. Lucky you! Send Daddy a thank-you note.
Scores of 0-6: Who’s Your Daddy?
Alright, you live in a sorority house, not a brothel, and a crack den would look all wrong with the decor in your mother’s home, so obviously you know who your father is. But whether it’s his job, his mistress, your brother, or whatever else…something is more important to him than you are, and you’ve spent a lot of time in your 18-22 years desperately pining for male attention. The easiest way to get it is obviously to make obnoxious innuendo, and try to make sure your fratdaddy (the only daddy that really matters) is thinking of sex when he hears your name. I mean, who doesn’t pay attention to sex. Here’s a hint, honey. If you want boys to fuck you…all you really have to do is be decently attractive and have a vagina. If you want them to like you, why don’t you go ahead and go to Daddy, the very root of the issue, and find out what it is about you that is so hard to love. Once you fix that, perhaps girls will start liking you again, and then eventually, maybe boys will follow suit and see you as slightly more than a hole and a heartbeat. Good luck!
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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