“Just ignore them.”
By far, this is the most underappreciated advice that all parents give. It’s so simple and so bitchy all at the same time. The next time someone says something rude to you, pretend like you didn’t hear him or her. Don’t change the subject or even make eye contact. Just straight up ignore them. They only say bitchy things to get more attention. Not getting a response is their personal hell.
Example:
Bitch: “Did you really think that outfit was a good idea?”
You: *Casually open Twitter and scroll through your feed.*
Bitch: “Like, really? Did you not hear me make fun of you?”
You: *Take a long, slow slurp of Diet Coke.*
Bitch: “Ugh, whatever!”
“Your face is going to freeze like that!”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Your favorite eye roll, pursed lips, and condescending eyebrow raise will ruin your face forever. Wrinkles are not a joke. The more expressive you are, the more your face remembers. Soon, you will be more wrinkled than your favorite Michael Kors bag. Thank the Lord for Botox!
“You can, but you may not.”
Grammar matters! It really does. If you can’t differentiate between your and you’re, to and too, or their and there, you won’t make it very far in life. Professors, future employers, and future in-laws will not take you seriously. Grammar is really simple. Take 10 minutes out of your day and learn it. It’s life changing.
Example (via texting):
Future Mother-in-law: My husband and I cannot wait for you to join us for dinner!
You: Me to! I’m so excited I’ll be at you’re house tomorrow. Let me know if you need me to stop for anything on my way their.
End of relationship.
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
This is another example classic parental verbiage that has incredible potential for maximum bitchiness. Follow the advice and literally don’t say anything at all. Or, better yet, change the subject to something completely different. This piece of advice’s simplicity gets me every time. If someone asks you something exceptionally rude, look him or her straight in the eye while keeping your mouth shut. If you can wink without looking like a moron, do it. I guarantee he or she won’t bother you again.
Nice Move162
Respond
Bids Bows and Merlots
Bids Bows and Merlots is a Biology major with a concentration in wine. She once modeled in a math textbook and, at one point, had her own section in her elementary school library. She is the reigning homecoming queen at a university without a football team and has a habit of live-tweeting Family Feud reruns while drinking wine straight from the box.
@BidsBowsMerlots
