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Unless You’re Doing Yoga To Better Your Sex Life, I’m Not Here For It

Unless You're Doing Yoga To Better Your Sex Life, I'm Not Here For It

To a certain extent, I understand the yoga obsession that has stormed my generation and resulted in a lot of stupid Instas of mediocre poses on the beach. (I’m not impressed that you can stand on one leg for four seconds, Andrea. I’m just not.)

But, like I said, I get it. Yoga is cool because it involves wearing the clothes you’re already in anyway, and doing a lot of slow, steady movement, and not a lot of the kind of cardio that makes you feel like you’re about to barf.

Most of us, however, are not yoga masters who are actually any good at this shit. Most of you are out there in lulu pants and a Gap body crossback top halfheartedly standing in Warrior pose for three seconds, and then telling yourself you did enough to burn off the six margaritas from the night before (you didn’t). Now, if you’re not one of those people and you just honestly love getting upside down and breathing in people’s farts in a crowded room, I’m all for it. You’re crazy, but I respect that.

In my opinion, however, there exists only one reason to do yoga at all. And that is in pursuit of an orgasm. Basically, if I’m not learning to control my breathing and make myself more limber in hopes it will spice up my sex life, I’m not here for it.

I’ve tried yoga just for exercise’s sake, and it fucking sucked. Now, I’m convinced that anyone out there pretending to like it for non-sexual reasons is just lying, either to themselves or to the world. If I’m going to flatten the top of my skull against the ground by letting it support my entire body weight, there had better be an orgasm involved. I’d also like to point out there are way better things to do in downward dog position than “clearing your mind.” I’m not tightening my core to become a yoga master, or even to look good—I’m doing it because having strong tummy muscles make it easier to get off. Being able to hold a bridge, or easily touch your nose to your knees without cramping up, is a gamechanger.

There’s nothing wrong with good ol’ missionary, or other positions that really don’t require muscle tone or flexibility at all, but with all the “Fifty Shades” hype out there now, new doors have been opened. The one good point Christian made in the whole series was when he wanted Ana to work out regularly—because it’s true that you’ll get worn out fast in some of those crazy positions. If you can’t support your body weight on your elbows for more than ten seconds, or you’re too inflexible to come anywhere close to the splits, you’re just going to end up on your back again, staring at the ceiling, while your hair gets flattened. Where’s the fun in that? If you’re single and dickless, even better. Combining your vibrator, deep breathing, and a favorite yoga pose can lead to very good things. Take my word on that.

So, if you’re going to do yoga, at least let it be for a good reason. If you’re one of those girls sweating her ass off in a thousand degree heat at hot yoga just because it’s supposed to be “good for you,” or something, I don’t want to hear about it. But if you’re using it in effort to benefit your vagina, namaslay, girl.

Image via Shutterstock

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Shannon Layne

My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here: shannon.laynee@yahoo.com

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