You know what’s more awkward than going to see “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Accidentally going to see “Fifty Shades of Grey” with your entire family. That’s exactly what happened to unsuspecting residents of Concord, Calif., when they were greeted by Jamie Dornan’s giant bush while going to see a family film.
Let’s paint the picture, shall we? The West Wind Solano Drive-In, where our “Fifty Shades of Grey Sponges” takes place, has two screens: one facing north and one facing west. Now, for some hysterical reason, this drive-in decided to show “SpongeBob SquarePants: Sponge out of Water” and “Fifty Shades of Grey” on the same night, with overlapping times. God bless whoever was in charge of programming.
Can’t you just feel the sexy drama about to unfold?
Needless to say, people were pissed. Apparently, to get to the “SpongeBob” screen, cars had to first go in the direction of “Fifty Shades.” This meant that to see your family friendly film, you had to drive directly into a dominant-submissive relationship. Deborah Powell, a mother who decided to take her children to the movies, told local station KTVU TV that while she was driving up, “There was a woman being slapped, naked, bound up. So we had to have our children close their eyes. I could see another car behind us that had children in there with their eyes closed.”
UGH. It’s almost too hilarious. Another mom, Monica Arias, discussed how bizarre this whole thing was with the San Jose Mercury News:
It was weird to see these kids all around though walking to and from the concession stands with the huge butt-naked scenes on the next screen. There was no way to avoid it, really.
For the parents, this whole thing was a nightmare. All they wanted was to have a good time with their kids and some animated, underwater characters. They didn’t want their children to even know what sex was, let alone bondage and bush. But luckily, these little munchkins had no idea what was going on. I mean, there was a dancing sponge doing whatever the hell SpongeBob does, so they literally couldn’t care less what was on the other screen. Naturally, it was the horny older kids who were the problem. “Tweens and teens couldn’t help but be distracted by the R-rated ‘Fifty Shades,'” the Huffington Post reports.
After seeing “Black Swan” with my entire family, while sitting between my then-boyfriend and my father, I totally understand these families’ discomforts. There’s absolutely nothing more painful than watching a sex scene with your parents. Well, except maybe writing about sex for your job, but whatever (hi, Mom and Dad). Thankfully, I don’t think these mommies need to worry about their teenage boys becoming sexual dominants anytime soon. For the most part, the film was pretty far-fetched, fake, and unrealistic. Unfortunately, while virginities might be safe, bath towels are not. If you know what’s up, you’ll start jacking up the prices on washcloths, Bed Bath & Beyond. I have a feeling that a lot of teenage boys are going to be ruining a lot of terrycloth while visions of Dakota Johnson’s ass dance in their heads..
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