1. Double Texting Rule
Very few things are more infuriating than when chicks say, “No! I don’t want to double text him!” GET THAT NONSENSE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD. It’s okay to send two texts to a dude without him responding after the first one as long as they are relevant. You aren’t doomed for the rest of eternity because you sent a double text asking if he wants to go with a group to see a new movie. He won’t give a shit if he’s into you!
However, if the second text is, “What color should I get my nails painted?” then he might just be offended because he thinks you declared him your gay BFF. If you are sending, “Hey” back-to-back-to-back-to-back, then maybe chill out a little bit. There’s a fine line between “girl with a crush” and “girl with an obsession”. Don’t slaughter his phone with chains of texts. But also don’t be too much of a pussy to double text your boy crush because you just might lose your chance with him if you don’t send that extra message every now and then. Sometimes you have to take initiative too, hun.
2. Ghosting Rule
There are different levels of ghosting:
1. Ghosting because the guy sucks and you’re just not into him
2. Ghosting because the shithead hooked up with your sister Sarah
3. Ghosting because he’s a total prick and you FINALLY realized you can do better
Regardless of why you decide to go MIA on a guy, it’s all the same. He’s going to text you. He’s going to call you. He might even ask your friends what is going on with you. STAY SILENT. Play dead like an opossum does. But whatever you do, DO NOT delete his phone number. Block it if you must, but knowing he texted you and you DNGAF is power. If you’ve ever been ghosted, you understand. And make sure your friends know to tell him and all of his buddies that you are just “so busy” nowadays. They don’t have to say with what. You just suddenly have this glorious life that he has to accept he isn’t a part of anymore.
3. Drunk Texting Rule
You just ordered another shot of whiskey and can’t stop thinking about Brad. A skinny bitch walks by and you immediately notice her. She’s Brad’s ex.
Ew. What is she even doing here? Wait, is he here? Are they meeting up?
Naturally, drunk logic makes you want to claim your property. But in order to do that, you HAVE to know what he’s doing ASAP. So you shoot him, “Hey. Are you going out tonight?” The end. STOP THERE. For fuck’s sake. He will likely text you back, so stop worrying. Either he will be out or he won’t. (Or he could be lying, but let’s act like he’s a decent human being.) Even if he does continuously respond to your drunk, “we shoouhld tots met uppp” texts, he probably wishes he had a different phone number. Once you’ve had four more girly drinks and the booze is acting like a mental lubricant to present your desperation, you want to send him a text explaining how you long for his penis in your vag. Don’t get pissy if your somewhat-beau doesn’t respond because it’s 2 a.m. and he has a test tomorrow. The less you text him, the better. If he actually gives a shit about you, his protective and jealous primal male instincts will kick in when you don’t contact him. HE will be the one blowing up YOUR phone. What’s hotter than that?
4. Playing Hard-To-Get Rule
In the dating game, we must all play our hard-to-get card at some point. If we don’t, some fellows will presume we are destined to be the crazy bitch who drops the, “I love you” way too early into the relationship. It’s human nature to want what we can’t have. So the power move to playing this game via texting is self-control, patience, and social media. You need to be unpredictable, come off as important, and mess with his head like no other. This means responding to his texts quickly for about three texts, taking an hour to respond to the following, two minutes for the next one, about two hours or more to respond to the succeeding, and so on.
In the meantime, be all over social media. Retweet other guys’ shit to make him a little jealous, post stuff on your Snapchat story that will make it look like you are busy even when you’re not, and maybe even post a picture on Instagram. He will feel like a loser when you retweet a video of golden retrievers chasing each other, yet aren’t responding to his text asking you to do something. Does that make you a cold-hearted bitch? Perhaps. Is it immature? Fuck yeah it is. But he should feel special just being in your phone contacts. Remind him who is boss. Homeboy needs to earn his prize (you).
5. Flirting Rule
“See you tonight ;)” Winky faces are okay, if you’re into that kind of thing. It’s actually meant for high schoolers who still haven’t lost their virginity though. But also don’t send 215 emojis because that is just fucking obnoxious. Make a mental note to limit yourself to one or two emojis or Bitmojis when you find it absolutely necessary. Sexting is up to you. However, Snapchat is likely where you want to do that because you don’t want your gentleman to just “accidentally” send your nudes to all of his friends if drama breaks out.
But the number one rule for attempting to flirt when texting is this: NEVER ask, “What are we?” Asking if you are officially boyfriend and girlfriend is not a conversation to have through the phone. It gives him time to construct the perfect excuse to say he doesn’t want to settle, your spirits will be crushed. You will ugly cry until your makeup looks like Taylor Momsen’s, and then you will “hate all guys” all over again. You also shouldn’t be asking this through messages because if you can’t be adult enough to have this convo face-to-face, you are clearly not ready for a relationship with this guy.
Texting is fun, dangerous, and requires lady balls sometimes. You can fall in lust just behind a smartphone if you aren’t careful. Messaging is a skill you must acquire if you are going to make it a common part of your unstable relationship. Proceed with caution..
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