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Urgent: Hangovers Are About To Become Extinct, And We’re 100 Percent Freaking Out

No More Hangover

Vodka and soda mixed together on ice,
A big bottle of wine will suit me just nice.
Getting real tipsy and starting some flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Oh alcohol, how we love you. You are the liquid to our courage, the elevated surface to our dance, the body to our shot, and the regret in our texts. You’re basically perfect. The one downside? The hangover. You know, the in bed all day, throwing up in class, can’t even go outside, don’t fucking look at me hangover.

Well, thanks to science, we might be saying goodbye to “the hangover” forever.

I KNOW. Apparently, ex-drug master, Dr. David Nutt, has invented the best thing that could have ever happened to us, ever. This guy is legit. He used to be one of Britain’s top governmental drug brains. He knows anything and everything about our favorite pastime: getting fucked up. This is exactly why he got fired.

From First We Feast:

He publicly stated that marijuana, Ecstasy, and LSD were all less dangerous drugs than alcohol.

So yeah, it’s official. This guy is a total boss. So what, exactly, did he make for us? Two drugs. The first one makes you feel tipsy, and the second one sobers you up. Literally, we will have two ways to get wasted without screwing up our lives. But wait, it gets even better.

According to The Telegraph, the first drug, alcosynth, “is a drink that mimics alcohol. It a non-toxic inebriant that removes the risks of hangovers, liver toxicity, aggression and loss of control.” You take it to feel loose, excited, and ready to party. Plus, it’s from the valium family, minus the shitty addictive components, so you know it’s good.

The second drug, chaperone, breaks up the party. Total Chaperone Move, huh? Basically you take this one with regular alcohol and it keeps you from getting out of control. Hello, every standards chair’s new best friend.

Naturally, these drugs are in very early stages, and once they come out, they will be pricey. But we can wait. I mean, it took long enough for us to turn 21 (a few times, thanks to our fakes). If we got through that, we can get through anything. Plus, we need some time to mourn the future loss of our hangovers. Sure, they’re annoying, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love them. Thanks to them, we have an excuse to binge on Netflix, eat pizza in bed, and avoid sunlight the morning after a night out. The future might be a much more productive place. So, until we get our miracle drugs, drink up and appreciate the hangover. Before long, they’ll be but a headache from the past.

[via First We Feast, The Telegraph]

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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