I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all. TSM.

“Oh, no thanks. I gave up solid food for Lent.” TSM.

“What do you mean it’s not okay to order lobster on the first date?” TSM.

Well-bred, well-read, and absolutely phenomenal in bed. TSM.

I don’t break up, I trade up. TSM.

I don’t have a drinking problem, I only drink when I socialize. I have a socializing problem. TSM.

Just saw someone breaking into a payphone with a screwdriver to steal the quarters. I was unaware that we still had payphones, or quarters. TSM.

I’d say don’t judge me until you walk a mile in my shoes, but my shoes cost more than your rent. TSM.

I double majored in binge drinking and being awesome with a minor in judging people. TSM.