The only homemade gifts I’ll be giving this holiday season will come from my family’s vineyard. TSM.

The two guys I “lost my virginity to” are in the same fraternity. TSM.

I would have left Jack handcuffed in the Titanic and enjoyed my life being rich. TSM.

I inherited Grandma’s pearls and lack of a gag reflex. TSM.

Formal in Memphis tonight and yes I will order the filet and only take three bites. TSM.

I feed on drama because it’s calorie-free. TSM.

Even my vibrator has its own Lilly Pulitzer monogrammed bag. TSM.

We took a party bus to the party bus. TSM.