Winter formal and finals have come and gone, which means so has the need for your boy of the fall semester, 2012. He served his purpose, and it was fun while it lasted, but you’re not exactly planning on spending a romantic holiday season together, sucking up to his mother, and pretending you’d bid his little sister. Every relationship comes to an end, you know, except for the one with whomever you marry, and it’s good to know when each one has run its course. It’s best to just cease and disist at the end of the semester before you get bored, and before some “breakup” leaves you with bad blood.
However, you’re a hot commodity, and heading to your New Year’s Eve bash without solidifying a midnight kiss just isn’t an option. I’ve tried the “we’ll just find boyfriends there” approach, and as it would appear, you’re more likely to end with a bottle of champagne on your lips when the clock strikes twelve than you are a gentleman caller. Plus, it’s nice to just have a boy at your beck and call while you’re rooming with your parents. After all, it’s winter, someone needs to shovel your car out of the snow, and it’s certainly not going to be you. However, you do have some viable options at your disposal, as I’m sure most of them have already contacted you to “see how your finals went” and find out when you’re coming home.
Your High School Ex
Why you’re considering him: While hooking up with your ex is probably not the smartest decision, I’m compelled to say it’s not the dumbest decision either. It’s familiar, and he already knows what you like. You’re keeping your number down and your (likeliness to) orgasm up. In some cases, it’s just too easy not to do it.
What will happen: It will start innocently enough with a simple “Hey, I hope your semester went well. Being home is making me think of you. I’d love to grab a cup of coffee and catch up.” That’s actually 100% true. You do kind of miss him. You’ll grab coffee, realize you spent hours together, and then decide to spend the entire rest of your day winter break together. It will be just like old times. You’ll show up to hometown parties together, you’ll have passive aggressive staring contests with his mother, he’ll come to your family’s holiday party, and it will be great. The fact that you’re not actually committed to him makes being committed to him so easy. Things will go flawlessly, until it’s time to go back to school, and you have to decide, again, whether or not you want to stay together. You will then be catapulted back into either a long-distance relationship, or a semester filled with “I know, I love you too, but I just don’t think this is what’s best for us right now. We can still call each other if we’re both single at 25!” Spoiler alert: I’m approaching 24, and I will purchase a cat teacup pig (I’m trying to keep it fresh-to-death, here), before I even consider calling my ex to rekindle our failed romance.
Prognosis: Worth it, if you’re the dump-er. You have all the power, and you’ve fought off a laundry list of men who have been hopelessly in love with you in the past. Your feelings may get in the way, but it’s his own fault for getting himself back into this mess. If you’re the dump-ee, stay away, because you’re about to look pathetic.
Some Guy You Went To High School With But Didn’t Really Know
Why you’re considering him: He was either a few years older than you are, or you just never traveled in similar social circles, but you never fostered what could have been a beautiful romance another failed fling. You always thought he was attractive, but you hardly ever spoke on AIM, and he didn’t ever get your number on his flip phone. Now he’s taken a sudden and overwhelming interest in you, after you participated in Anchor Splash and bikini pictures were posted. It seems like the perfect opportunity to drill an untapped resource (INNUENDO ALERT).
What will happen: After some heavy end-of-the-semester, Adderall-induced flirting on Facebook chat, you discuss how weird it is that you never hung out in high school. Both of you will come to some sort of “No way! I had a crush on you!” revelation, and you’ll decide that you need to make some time to see one another over break. He will bring you around his friends, reminding you just how much you hated his friends when you went to school with them. You’ll bring him around your friends, and you’ll hate every second of it because you have to babysit. You’ll hook up a few times and he will be the worst kisser you’ve ever had the discomfort of making out with. Your previous fondness for him will quickly turn into feelings of disgust at the very mention of his name.
Prognosis: Not worth it! A few weeks of cuddling and kissing will be the turning point in your life in your hometown. This experience will single-handedly transform home from a place that’s “nice to visit, but not as fun as school” to a place you adamantly avoid returning to, unless it’s absolutely necessary. And good luck with that if you have to move back in with your parents post-graduation. Think ahead, ladies.
A New Guy
Why You’re Considering Him: The reason you’d be interested in a new guy at home is the same reason you’d be interested in a new guy anywhere. It’s exciting, it’s fun, and there’s no history so it doesn’t have to be that serious. He’ll take you out, probably show you some spots you wouldn’t have discovered otherwise, and overall just make your hometown slightly more interesting.
What will happen:It’s not easy to just have a new guy materialize while you’re home. You’ll be there for a limited time, there are a limited number of activities (and/or bars) for you to occupy your time with, and there are a limited number of people you don’t already kind of know. If however, you do meet someone, you will be very successful in your relationship with your hometown beau because, as Carrie Bradshaw put it, you’re expiration dating him. Whenever you are in these situations, you get to be even more awesome than usual, because you just don’t care. You don’t care if he texts you, you don’t care if you impress him, you don’t even care to myspace-mirror-shot a picture of your potential date outfits to thirteen of your closest friends. There’s not a trace of give-a-shit in your attitude and it’s awesome. I wish I could live my whole life this way, but I’m not a lesbian. It will go so flawlessly, in fact, that someone will get attached. If you fall victim to your emotions, you may decide you like this guy enough to continue your pseudo-relationship into spring semester. I urge you not to do this. Spring Break is in the spring, and the adage “don’t bring sand to the beach” has never been more fitting. Plus, he lives at home. He’s someone else’s townie and he really has nothing to offer you in the long-run.
Prognosis: Worth it, if you don’t let it carry over. Just chalk the situation up to some guy who took you out a few times, some good “practice dates” for some guy who’s actually worth your time, and then keep him on the back burner for when you’re bored on breaks.
Nice Move245
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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