Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show: It’s Like The Superbowl…Only I Care About It

So last night was the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, an event in which the most beautiful women in the world gather and are adored by millions just for being beautiful. They’re a lot like us, but they don’t get sent to standards for parading around in expensive underwear and they’re not as pretty. Fortunately, you’ve pregamed this event with a weekend at home for Thanksgiving which is one of the few occasions (in addition to Christmas, Easter, and a break-up) that you’ve convinced yourself that the calories don’t count. So this is just the ticket to ensure that you’re feeling really awesome about yourself.

To prepare, you slip into your favorite Victoria’s Secret Pink pajama pants and your hot pink bio fit bra (which is literally the worst bra ever but I’m all for being festive), open a bottle or three of white zin, and let the judgment (jealousy bordering on self-loathing) begin. Try as you might to find flaws in these girls, the only thing you can really come up with is that Adriana Lima has a weird belly button, that it’s really tacky to blow kisses every two minutes, and that this new girl Karlie Kloss is super annoying and has an ugly face. I don’t know who decided to give her a bid. If only you had been able to make it to auditions in October, it would have been you on that glittery runway of bliss and the world could have been spared.

The collections were as stunning as the girls, as usual, and you may have endured a heated debate or two with your roommates over your favorite piece. Though I’m impressed at her ability to look as incredible as she did after popping out a baby, Miranda Kerr’s $2.5 million bra just didn’t do it for me. The glimpse of her sexy man-candy, Orlando Bloom, in the audience, did. I think the most fabulous outfit I saw had to be the bejeweled ensemble Alessandra Ambrosio wore. I’d rock it to an Around-The-World social, but GOSH DARN! We just had one! Guess the opportunity won’t come up.

I think my favorite part of the show is when the models talk and most of them go from a 10 to…well they probably only drop to like a 9.75. It was nothing short of comical when they discussed having had “big dreams” once upon a time. Guess they had to settle for this instead of being the doctors, astronauts, and marine biologists they always really wanted to be. It really spoke to me when Lily Aldridge said “Little girls are watching this saying one day I hope I’m an angel. And they will be! Someone that’s watching this will be an angel.” I hope it’s me! These girls need to take a hint…no one cares about what you have to say. You can’t have everything.

The performances were decent. I felt mildly confused when Jay-Z and Kanye convinced the audience to do that weird, ghetto reverse-raise-the-roof thing they’re so fond of, but I’m confident in saying that Beyonce was the only person in the establishment qualified to do it. Not sorry. As for Adam Levine, I don’t care what anyone says about him. Too many tats? Probably. And I’ll agree I don’t really love his clothes, but he’s sexy. His hand-hold slash send-off to his girl Anne Vy-whatever-the-fuck was precious and the kiss on the cheek was the icing on the cake. I’d date him. Most importantly, Nicki Minaj please stop existing. I almost felt sorry for your desperate attempts to steal the attention from the VS Angels as you strolled up the runway with them. Pathetic. The only purpose you served was to bring everyone’s self-esteem back up with your horrid leggings and thunder thighs.

Overall I’d say I enjoyed the show, even though I normally hate any pretty girl who isn’t in my sorority. I’m just going to continue to tell myself that they aren’t real and that they’re dreadful to be around in real life. They’re probably jealous of us actually. At least they serve as a thinspiration and for an hour of our lives we were reminded why in a normal day our diets consist of vodka and caffeine. See you on the elliptical ladies.

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