We’re All Sluts, Get Over It

We're All Sluts, Get Over It

It’s absolutely ridiculous for any girl to deny that she went through a “slut phase.” I think it’s almost unheard of for any sorority girl to be able to honestly say that there’s never been a time in her life where she might have randomly gotten drunk and MO’d with a few too many Kappa Sigs on the dance floor, or where she may or may not have accidentally woken up at Sigma Chi, and had to take a walk downstairs to the informal living room to figure out which house she was in, exactly, because let’s face it, they all look pretty much the same.

The good part of all this, of course, is that these activities only occur during the aforementioned slut phase: a definitive amount of time that all of us go through where we’re allowed to make reckless decisions and be a little bit too promiscuous for our own good. The slut phase always has a reason behind its occurrence, and more often than not, the cause is either that the time-sensitive jezebel has just broken up with her long term boyfriend, or she’s a freshman. Either way, it happens to everyone, and it’s totally fine. What would your college career be if you didn’t have a shacker story or two? It would be boring.

When it comes to girlfriends, we’re supposed to be there for each other at all times, and it’s like…a rule of feminism, or something, that we are always honest with each other, no matter what. Your true friends are the ones who are there to delete your ex boyfriend’s number out of your phone to prevent you from calling him 47 times when you’re drunk. Your BFF’s are the ones who will hide your credit card before wine night begins to ensure you don’t wind up with $600 worth of posters of James Franco in various poses, because it seemed like a good idea after your second bottle of Malbec. Your best friends are, of course, also required to provide a shoulder to cry on in times of need, and it goes without saying your best friends are put in your life to serve as a judgment free sounding board for all of the hilarious misadventures of your slut phase, and to share their own versions of said phase.

We all have that one frenemy who insists she is “NOT A SLUT,” and who, regardless of what hilariously horrific sexcapades the rest of your friend group has found themselves in, refuses to admit she’s ever gone further than makeout with any guy she has brought home.

Incidentally enough, this is the same girl who will always be sure to loudly announce when the latest boy she’s “not” sleeping with texts her, never failing to tell whoever is within ear shot, “He’s so obsessed with me.”

NEWSFLASH: This girl is a blatant liar, and I’m convinced all girls like her are secretly evil.

It’s one thing to lie to the guy you’re seeing about your past hookup history, because that is private information that he doesn’t really need to know the absolute entirety of. I mean, I can’t tell you how many times during freshman year I told guys, “Oh, I’m a virgin” or “I’ve only had sex with my first boyfriend, whom I dated for three years in high school.” Was any of this true? Um, effing duh, of course not. I went to an affluent high school where the tuition was high and the girls were loose. Whatever. Moving on.

While I’ve lied to plenty of guys about my sex life, I’ve ALWAYS been honest with my girlfriends, because why wouldn’t I be? I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of when sharing semi-embarassing hook up stories on Sunday morning. I used to love hearing my friends’ terrible shacker stories, and I’d always be able to relate them to a story or two of mine from my slut phase. However, there was always the one dishonest bitch that was there to throw a wrench in the entire operation.

This girl would INSIST that “all we did was make out” with EVERY guy she went home with, and, incidentally enough, there was a different one every single night. She would fervently deny any allegations made by third parties that penetration occurred, telling everyone she “didn’t do things like that,” and “could never just sleep with someone.” When any of her recent not hookups texted her, this girl would tell everyone how this guy just “won’t leave me alone.” “He’s so obsessed with me, I don’t get it.” No, you idiot, he’s not obsessed with you. He’s horny. That’s what happens when you sleep with boys repeatedly. They begin to expect it.

There is no reason for a guy to call any girl past 2:00am to come over if sex isn’t on the agenda. The “girlfriend material” argument is completely invalid, because if the only times this girl is receiving these phone calls is when her gentleman caller is in an inebriated, sexually aroused state, and if he demands she leave first thing in the morning, I’m pretty sure the two aren’t dating.

So why lie about it? What are these girls gaining by trying to make it seem that they hold some unknown power over every guy they hang out with? My guess is that they’re unable to own up to their slut phase. I’d be willing to wager that these girls aren’t actually going through a phase at all, and are actually just sluts who are uncomfortable with admitting that the only interaction they have with the opposite sex occurs with the assistance of cheap vodka and “come over” texts. These girls feel insecure about their own love life, and feel the need to play the bitchy power move over their “friends” by trying to make it seem as if their friends are the ones doing something wrong.

I once had a girl tell a mutual friend of ours, “I’m worried about Pearls. I know she just broke up with her boyfriend of two years, but she’s NOT going to get another one if she keeps going out and blacking out like she has. I heard, the other night, she just made out with some random Sig Ep. I mean, I could never.” Luckily, my mutual friend was there to remind her of her current situation, which involved her “not” fucking five different guys, on rotation.

Look, I get it, we’re girls, and talking behind each others’ backs happens at about the same frequency at which Lindsay Lohan gets arrested. But lying about your own mistakes to try and make yourself feel superior to your girlfriends is just a bitch move. We all know everyone’s going through a slut phase, and if you’re telling anyone otherwise, you’re only fooling yourself.

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