What A Guy’s Drink Says About Him


Not every guy is good with his words. Some hide behind their phone and can’t hold a conversation in real life. Other guys may pretend to be boyfriend material just to get behind the zipper of some chick’s pants. And some boys are just completely oblivious when a girl is hitting on him so he (in a girl’s mind) blows her off. Every guy has a different story to tell. Even if he sucks at showing who he really is, his drink will give enough insight to learn everything you need to know about him.


These are the men who head out into the night with the mindset to get Project X level of wild. Needless to say, they are probably piss drunk even before they show up to the party due the ridiculous amount of Jose Cuervo shots that have already been thrown down their throats at the pregame. He gets himself in weird shenanigans and is the most likely of his friend group to wake up one morning in another city in his birthday suit and will have to use Find My Friends just to get home. A tequila kind of guy is not out to get laid, but will likely end up slobbering all over the face of a questionable girl who is wearing Uggs and shorts as she walks past him. Once he drags that poor soon-to-be slam onto the booze infused dance floor, he starts dancing in a way that resembles a schizophrenic monkey that just landed in banana heaven in an attempt to impress her. When he wakes up with a head-throbbing hangover from hell, he realizes there is no way he can redeem himself of his poor actions from the previous night that all started with “who wants a shot?”


The guy who is sitting on top of a frat house hollering pickup lines at chicks as they pass by is likely to have a cup overflowing with rum in his hand. When he has a socially unacceptable BAC, he will also have a not-so-classy attitude, and really doesn’t care what other people think of it. He’s the kind of guy who you want to befriend because of his ability to constantly make you laugh without even having to try. You can catch him on the dance floor busting out MC Hammer moves just trying to catch the attention of a sweet freshman girl. This boy is the one who you date before you find your future husband. He isn’t serious enough to actually settle down, but when he finds the right lady, he will at least give it a go. His parents have high expectations of him, but his laid back personality continues to let them down. He goes with the flow and doesn’t always have his priorities in order, which is why he is attending college a lot longer than his parents hoped for.


We all know that beer is more popular among boys than girls. Which naturally means that the guy who is double fisting Bud Light or makes many rounds to the keg is a bro’s bro. He’s an all American boy who learned how to shotgun when he was sixteen with his dad. On a NFL game day he will stumble onto the bar scene prepared to get into a brawl with anyone who starts to talk mad shit about the team he is rooting for. Otherwise he is a pretty chill dude. On weekends his attire usually features a beer-soaked shirt, which may be taken off to flash his dad bod. His liver definitely hates him for drinking as often as he does. When songs such as “Sweet Caroline” and “Born in the USA” blast through the speakers he starts stomping around shouting the words as loud as possible regardless if other people join him. This is the kind of boy who likes to let loose, but still (for the most part) will keep his shit somewhat together.


Pretty boys drink vodka. These are the top dogs of our new millennial hook up lifestyle. A guy who drinks vodka preforms lewd acts almost every night with a different chick each time. He has a low sense of judgment in girls, and a huge amount of love for himself. He’s the one who is into BDSM. If you want to let your freak fly, track down a vodka man. However, this boy is actually an undercover fuckboy. He lures girls in with his charm, humor, chiseled jawline and perfectly slicked back hair, but will forget their name shortly after he is in bed with his shacker going down on him.


Whiskey drinkers are well dressed. Whiskey drinkers are straightforward douchebags who think every girl in the same locality wants their dick. Whiskey drinkers try to convince people they are classy in an attempt to lowkey get drunk off their ass. Who are whiskey drinkers? Try-hard frat guys. They have no shame when they lose all composure. Instead, they just keep refilling their cups and take as many swigs of Evan Williams as possible until their gag reflexes appear. A whiskey drinker feels right at home under a blacklight along with a DJ producing ear-splitting music. He over exaggerates to all of his brothers about what really happened once he vanished from the bar. The stories usually involve threesomes with girls from separate sororities, fistfights, smoking an unheard of amount of pot, and something about getting banned from a club. What actually happened, as everyone knows, is he made out with a random girl, argued with a 50-year-old dad about sports, smoked one joint, and got thrown out of a club for taking a leak somewhere besides the bathroom. The whiskey drinker just wants the approval from everyone he deems important. He will walk straight up to a lonesome girl at the bar and say, “What would you like to drink? It’s on me if you tell me your name.” He will whip out his nice leather wallet and keep his arm out long enough to make sure she gets a glance at his Rolex watch. He’ll hand her the drink and begin talking about how much of a frat star he is. She will either love him or hate him. There is no in between when it comes to a whiskey man.


Girls who read Nicholas Sparks books and spend their weekends watching sappy romance movies are looking for a wine guy, whether they know it or not. This man has a heart of gold and is a true romantic. He “makes love” instead of just “fucking.” A guy like this will take his girl on nice, expensive dates because he wants to treat her like a princess. When a wine man is single (which is very rare), he won’t use cheesy pickup lines on a girl. And unlike most guys these days, he is able to meet women sober and actually hold a conversation worth partaking in. He surprisingly wants more from you than to just touch your lady parts. There is also a sexy bossy side to him as well. This gent will have a no-nonsense attitude until he gets what he wants. His determination and ambition is so. Freaking. Hot.

Alcohol-free soda


Never let his smile fool you again because his drink says more than his lips. Bottoms up boys.

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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