Clean Shaven
Either he is 12 or a slave to corporate America. He’s destined to have a successful career, three kids, and house in the suburbs. His style consists of polos, Chubbies, relatively plain hats with small logos, and boat shoes. This guy will brag to you about how “good” he is at golfing. He insists he’s the next to go to the Masters, but his putt game is shit. The funniest/scariest thing to witness is his dancing. When he’s busting a move by himself, he looks like the molly took over and he’s being electrocuted. If he’s dancing on you, he’s going to try to cop a feel, but will be unsuccessful for whatever reason. It will most likely be because he will feel guilty going that far with PDA. Homeboy will text you back most of the time. Overall, he’s hubby material. But first you are going to want to get all of your slutty phase out before you let him tie you down. He will settle in his ways, and won’t always get super freaky in bed like you will eventually desire. Oh, and his face might be smooth, but he makes up for it with his hairy dick.
5 o’clock (Happy Hour) Shadow
He’s relatively hot and extremely sketchy. For some unknown reason, you never see him drinking beer in a bar, which is just strange. Instead he always has whiskey or some other questionable drink in his hand. He looooooves Instagram more than you do. This man is obsessed with himself. It wouldn’t be surprising if you found a mirror in his pocket as you take his pants off. He’s a total gym rat, and honestly, it’s kind of annoying. Like we get it, you have big, bulky muscles. Now go eat a cheeseburger. This douche expects you to give oral with no reward in return. Chances are he has his fraternity and American flags as well as girls’ bras as decorations in his room, which is kind of disturbing. But he has a big wiener, so can you really blame him?
Stubble
The reason this man went passed the 5 o’clock shadow was because he has such a baby face, that he needed to extend the facial hair. When he shaves, people assume he just got his driver’s license, which is precisely why he literally never does it. He probably came from a wealthy family, but insists on making his own path rather than following in his father’s footsteps. This guy is one hell of a smooth talker. One moment you feel like a basic chick, and the next he will convince you you’re a goddess. He will slam girls down on his bed whenever he wants and ~make love~ to them. Give him some wine and he will show you how good he is with his tongue. This dude has some kind of artistic side to him, whether it’s photography, music, or just straight up painting. Unlike 90% of his friends, he can actually move on the dance floor. However, take caution. Once he gets bored of you “opening up” too much to him, he will politely begin to gradually let you loose.
Plain Mustache, No Beard
When you’re drunk, you just might end up asking what kind of candy he has in his old white van. If his life were a movie, he would not be the main character, but he would be the best friend of the lead role. Once you get past the uncomfortable and awkward jokes, he’s actually a pretty cool guy. He grew up in a big city where he always blended in, so now he’s using this ‘stache as a way to get more eyeballs on him, regardless of if the person is checking him out sexually or not. Unfortunately for him, this mustache isn’t getting him laid much. However, this dude isn’t in the ‘stache gang for the pussy. He grew this mustache for his own ego.
Goatee
Goatees are like the highlights girls get after a breakup. You don’t get them because you have wanted them for a long time. You get them because some big crisis happened, and you decided switching up your hair would be the start to switching up your life. That’s how this guy feels about his goatee. No dude actually chooses to have a goatee for longer than two years. Originally he got it because he needed to change something in life, but it’s possible he liked it and decided to keep it a little longer than planned. The dude is a serial dater, and all of his exes are psychotic bitches who will dig up dirt on you from the third grade. He’s mostly quiet, but will get wild when it’s just him and his boys. Give him a few beers and he will start talking about his high school glory days as if it were yesterday.
Extreme Sideburns
Any guy who sports some aggressive sideburns is one hell of a character. The first thing about him that will gain your attention is that he wears denim on denim. Then you’ll notice how obnoxiously loud his voice is. He gets exceedingly cocky and yells strange shit when he gets thrown out of the bar such as, “BITCH, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I WAS IN A HONDA COMMERCIAL!” If for some reason you lose a bet and have to make out with him, he is going to slobber all over you like a bulldog in the summer heat. Bless your heart.
Full Beard
This guy is a man’s man. There’s absolutely no doubt that he grew this beard to make himself come off as manlier. His number one ambition in life is to own a brewery. He studies beer more than he studies for tests. And obviously all of that beer encouraged the beer gut he shows off when he day boozes at the pool. When he gets drunk, he likes to smash everything he comes in contact with for no apparent reason. He takes rowdy to a whole new level. And his role model is none other than Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec. This bro enjoy lives music, and there’s no way in hell you will catch him dancing like some sissy. His favorite season is football season. And at some point, you’ll hear him say, “America? You mean ‘Merica?” If you ask if he is an ass or tits man, he is going to say whichever flatters you more so you’ll take off your shirt and/or pants quicker. If he ghosts you, it’s usually nothing personal. He just isn’t in tune with his “feelings.”
Facial expressions might lie, but facial hair always tells you what you need to know about a man.
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Kellie Stritz
Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.
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