One of the first guys I ever slept with, back in high school, was a perfectly spray-tanned Ken Doll wannabe who consistently asked to put it in my ass. After some back and forth, I always ended up saying no, but would compromise with doggy. He’d also regularly ask me to tell him “how bad” he’d been or to slap his ass harder and harder. Look, your girl is fine with getting a little weird, but usually the submissive and spanked “bad” girl is me. And frankly, this was a lot for a 17-year-old, new to the whole “sex” thing to handle. I read into all this, and thought it meant something, but everyone told me I was crazy to judge a guy by his sexual preferences. Needless to say, Mr. Abercrombie model has finally come out as gay a few years later, and now I know for certain, that a guy’s favorite position says a lot about him.
This gentleman lives his life by the rulebook. He knows he’s obligated to pay for all of your dinners, movies, bar tabs, hair expenses, etc. He will change his Facebook status to “In A Relationship” as soon as you agree that he’s okay enough to pass as your boyfriend. Chances are he looks like a participant in a political debate. You can bring him home to mama and she will absolutely adore him. If you love tradition and routine, he’s the guy for you.
2. Weird Spooning Position With His Leg Completely Over You
Any guy that turns you on your side and throws his leg up in the air just to wrap around you is beyond dedicated to sliding his peen in. It’s obvious homeboy has a dong the size of Lady Gaga’s due to the fact that this is such a strenuous physical activity for him. However, there is more to him than meets the lips. He might act like a total douche in front of his friends, but when he’s sober, he’s actually a decent guy. He will sit around eating chicken nuggets and watching Tina Fey movies with you all night long.
3. Flat On Your Stomach, Hands Back
This guy gets drunk with power, and fast. He’s a tad possessive and will take charge of any situation thrown his way. His bro-type vibe and muscles remind you of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. He will religiously text “u up?” at 2a.m. every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. He’s much, much more than just a one-night stand kind of guy. He’s fuck buddy level of special.
4. Chick On Top
This dude is lazy and needs people to do things for him. In class, he’s the infamous procrastinator. His mom still does his laundry for him when he goes home. If you ever date a guy who always needs you to be on top all of the time, expect to feel like you’re taking care of a child every day. The reason he can get away with this? His big Adios Motherfucker-blue eyes that pierce right through your longing soul make you melt every time. You can’t say no to this man. Nobody can. He’s some kind of sorcerer.
5. Reverse Cowgirl
The guy who insists on doing reverse cowgirl every time you two hit the sheets does his homework. He watches loads of porno videos and then applies what he’s learned to real life after he’s been waterboarded with whiskey. He gets trashed five days a week, and has a chain of whores in his phone for once he’s finished downing booze and wants to tap some ass. The way to his heart? Thigh-high boots and lingerie. You don’t date this man. You just fuck him. He’s extremely visual, e.g. why he wants to watch you take control when he can’t watch his favorite pornstar.
6. Standing Up
Ahh. The standing man. The stripper, if you will. Any man who is willing to repeatedly bone you standing up has the confidence of Kanye West. He has a stripper mentality, really. This dude wants you to absorb his sexy holiness for a good while after you rip each other’s clothes off. He wakes up, stares at himself in the mirror, takes a shower, stares at himself some more, gets dressed, returns to staring, etc. He insists that if his brains won’t get him far, his lickable abs will. Unfortunately, this is 100% true. Although he might be a good bang, this dude is a complete dumbass.
If a guy’s go-to sex move is having you sit on top of him and straddle him on a couch or chair, proceed with caution. He’s probably going to fall in love with you extremely quickly. If you aren’t into clingy guys, but notice he keeps asking you to straddle and stroke, run for the hills and don’t look back. The reason he keeps gazing into your eyes when you are boning is because he’s actually imagining if your kids will have his eyes or yours. Although he’s totally sweet, he’s going to move incredibly fast.
Doggy style is a classic, which is why so many people partake in it. However, the man who always wants to bone you in doggy is questionable. He could be imagining fucking another girl (or boy in my case) and that’s why he doesn’t want to see your face. Or he just wants to see your ass clap. Either option is a possibility. This bro has a little edge to him, but not too much to where you hate him. He’s probably the pledge master of his fraternity. He’s loud, obnoxious, and gets in fights a lot. You either hate him or you love him. But regardless of how you feel about him at any given time, you are constantly vying for his attention.
Obviously we need to get our heads out of our asses and start paying attention to what his go-to position really means. Otherwise we are doomed to spend eternity with some dumb jackass who doesn’t know the difference between fabric softener and bleach. And yes, I’m talking about you, Mr. Chick On Top..