What Bible Verses Would Look Like If Rewritten For Sorority Girls

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As all well-versed sorority women know, an important part of living a balanced life includes deep spirituality and faith. Faith in what? Faith in the Bible obviously — in the Sorority Bible, that is. Every chapter should own a copy of this new and improved Bible to consult during times of triumph and times of need, when mixer outfits cannot be found and when pledges’ cars cannot be rounded up.

You haven’t heard of the Sorority Bible? No worries — here’s the highlight reel of the 13 Bible verses you absolutely must commit to memory and have tattooed on your ankle or rib cage.

  1. “For the big so loved her little, that she gave her one and only pref round pick, so that whomever may believe in her shall not be cut but have a bid card.”
  2. “The recruitment chair is my shepherd; I shall not fall out of pin order. She makes me lie down for the seniors, she leads me beside quiet PNMs, she restores my name tag. She guides me in paths of righteousness and glitter for the chapter’s sake.”
  3. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Greek Row, I will fear no evil, for my big is with me. Your boxed wine and your 2 a.m. text messages, they comfort me. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my active membership, and I will dwell in the house of the top fraternity forever.”
  4. “I can do everything through Fireball, which strengthens me.”
  5. “Ask for funding, and it shall be given to you after a series of advisor roundtables; seek cabin weekend debauchery and ye shall find standards. Knock on the door after midnight, and the house mom’s wrath shall be opened unto you.”
  6. “In the beginning, Panhel created fines and suspensions.”
  7. “For we walk by actives, not by their pledges.”
  8. “Be still and hide in the bathroom, and know that your big is on her way.”
  9. “And God said, ‘Let there be boxed wine,’ and there was Franzia.”
  10. “Honor thy alumnae and thy letters, and thou shalt love thy bottom-tier house as thyself.”
  11. “And now these three remain: boys, pizza, and alcohol. But the greatest of these is pizza.”
  12. “A sister is patient, a sister is kind. She does not envy your Lilly, she does not boast of her Thursday night while you study, she is not proud of her Friday night. A sister does not dishonor her pledge class, she is not self-seeking in Greek Games; she is not easily angered by the standards chair, she keeps no record of wrongs done while on bad academic standing. A sister does not delight in sobriety, but rejoices with the beer bong. A sister always protects her little, always trusts a pledge to drive, always hopes for a formal date, always perseveres in making it to last call.”
  13. “Finally, Homecoming pairings and pledges, whatever is true when drunk, whatever theme is noble in costume, whatever drinking game is right, whatever grain alcohol is pure, whatever freshman girl is lovely, whatever ritual is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things whilst planning.”

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BlingleWhiteFemale (@BlingleWhiteFem) is a single blonde female who spends her days campaigning for First Lady. She is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move.

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