I sat on the couch of my best guy friend, still drowning in the amount of alcohol I had consumed the night before, smelling like Jack Daniels himself had given me a golden shower, and aggressively compared the amount of likes my Insta-pic got to girls’ Insta-pics who I know aren’t prettier than me.
“Do you think she’s pretty?” I asked all 23 times I stumbled across any semi-decent female within the span of 23 minutes. I’m not sure why they didn’t kick me out, but we actually got into a pretty deep discussion about what it is that guys find attractive in women. You have your typical “tits and ass” response, but the major factors on what they considered the most important physical features surprised me. Of course I didn’t agree with any of their conclusions, because boys are dumb, but it’s always good to be informed. Eventually, our debate turned into a drinking game where we all ended up blacking out and trolling every existing human on the internet, but I came out of it more drunk and more knowledgable.
Unanimously agreed that teeth were the number one most important physical feature on a woman. I get it. No one wants to date a beaver, but the MOST important? When there are women out there whose eyebrows are so “on fleek” you could see them from outer space? Teeth are important, but eyebrows are the nipples of a face. Do you think boobs would be weird without nipples? Uh, yes, same rules apply for eyebrows. I’ll take a semi decent grill over caterpillars eyebrows any day. The argument was that you can easily fix eyebrows, and can’t easily fix teeth, which is true, but the problem is that 85% of the female population don’t know how to easily fix their eyebrows.
Strange, considering there is nothing any woman can do to make their legs grow or shrink. You are either born with legs or nubs, and that’s pretty much that for the rest of your life. They all agreed they would rather have someone with in shape legs as opposed to abs. The only reason I go to the gym, consider suicide every time I run, is to shed some lbs in the stomach and get some abs. All for guys to prefer legs. Something I couldn’t change even if I wanted to. At least I can cheat with some heels. And now I don’t have to feel bad when I don’t want to do cardio for the day. Or like, ever again.
This one we actually did agree on, but it took some convincing. We discussed Katy Perry for two and half hours. Everyone agreed, flawless face, but she lost a million and a half hot points when she chopped her hair off and now resembles a pubescent Slim Shady. So it makes sense that hair is important to guys because obviously they want something to pull. Ya know?
And in a plot twist to what guys didn’t like/didn’t care at all about: what you wear out. This shook me to my innermost core. I spend hundreds of dollars, hours on end, picking out cute clothes. Now, these clothes are for me to feel good about myself, but who doesn’t feel good about themselves when they are getting hit on by a hot guy at the bar? Guys could care less what you wear. They gave me story after story about how the girl in yoga pants and a hoodie was way hotter than the girl in the floral romper with perfectly curled hair. So not only do you get to stop going to the gym, you can wear sweatpants 24 hours day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year and still have pretty good odds of getting laid.
There is a silver lining to all the stupidity I encountered throughout this conversation, guys actually do care about your personality. More than any physical trait. Guys like funny girls, so if you are funny, you don’t even have to be that hot and you can still bag more dick than Taylor Swift. Probably not, but it’s fun to pretend. The other most important factors? Inheritance and your W2. So, either get to work or start planning how to poison your rich uncle..