I’ve been studying the male homo sapiens for twenty-some years now, and I have finally realized that men have their own dialect. Yes, they speak in common words and phrases, but the meaning is often completely opposite. To those of you who are new to this strange language, I’m here to share my wisdom, which I learned through many tumultuous relationships (and not-relationships). These are a few key phrases you’ll need to keep in mind the next time your crush, not-boyfriend, or future husband (LOL) comes around.
Phrase: “I like that top.”
Translation: “Yes, I just looked at your tits. Yes, I am a creep. Of course, I don’t want you to know that.”
Phrase: “Party at my place tonight.”
Translation: “I would really like for you and your hot, single friends to attend my pathetic dorm room get-together so that it doesn’t turn out to be a complete sausage fest.”
Phrase: “Do you want to hang out sometime?”
Translation: “Let’s go to my room and make out.”
Phrase: “Wanna watch a movie?”
Translation: “Would you like to exchange my Netflix password for some casual sex?”
Phrase: “Nudes?”
Translation: “It’s time for some new material, and I really don’t give a shit how low it is to solicit snaps that I will definitely screenshot and send to all my brothers.”
Phrase: “You’re not like other girls.”
Translation: “You’re really exactly like every single female on this hell-hole of a planet, the only difference being you’re the one I’m trying to sleep with tonight.”
Phrase: “Hey.”
Translation: “I would really like to hook up with you, but I’m not witty by any means or willing to put forth any effort and ‘hey’ just sounds chill.”
Phrase: “Let’s get dinner sometime.”
Translation: “I’m seriously into you, but I have no freaking clue what to do in this situation other than share food in a public place with you.”
Phrase: “Will you suck it?”
Translation: “If I don’t stop this white-knuckler now, my dick is going to fall off.”
Phrase: “Sorry, I can’t make it tonight.”
Translation: “I’m a loser/cheating on you/not interested anymore, and I’m going to start awkwardly fading out of your life in three…two…”
Phrase: “Are you ready to go home?”
Translation 1:“You look really fucking drunk, and I don’t feel like cleaning up your vomit in an hour.”
Translation 2: “Did you just give me the sexy eyes? I think it’s time we slipped into something a little more comfortable–like your 900 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.”
Phrase: “What’s wrong? I’m here for you.”
Translation 1: “The friend zone is such a bitch, but maybe one day you’ll realize I’m super hot and available and then you’ll realize I’m ‘the one.’ ”
Translation 2: “Please don’t cry, please don’t cry, please–dammit.”
Phrase: “You’re beautiful.”
Translation: “Let’s fuck.” .
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