What I Assume It’s Like To Have A Penis

What It Would Be LIke To Have A Penis

Boys are tricky. Most girls don’t understand why they do any of the things they do besides breathe. Why are you always scratching your balls? Where do all those little hairs in the sink come from? Are they from you balls? Oh, please say no. Supposedly, women are the mysterious ones, but I can’t for the life of me figure men out. I can say, however, that I’m pretty sure most of it is fueled by the thing that hangs in their pants–and any girl who says she’s never wondered what it’s like to have one is lying. I’m willing to do some research for everyone (see also: wildly speculate as to how it feels to have a penis on behalf of girls everywhere).

When you wake up in the morning, you automatically find you have a raging boner, complete with the insatiable desire to stick it into something, anything. That’s why you feel the need to wake the sleeping girl beside you by poking her in the back with your giggle stick until she’ll touch it for you, while half asleep, because romance. After hooking up with the most minimal effort possible, you get up to take a shower. This is the most difficult part of your day, because in your penis-having day, flaccidity does not exist. You spend the majority of the shower re-closing the curtain and picking up shampoo bottles that your new appendage knocks over every time you turn. An added bonus, however, is that it’s basically become somewhat of a third arm, and you can use it to turn off the shower.

Roughly 50 percent of your day, from this point forward, will be dedicated to adjusting your junk, while making unwelcome eye contact with people around you. When you’re not doing that, you will ever so slightly bump into the people you pass with your penis, making everyone around you sad. But at least you get a little thrill out of it.

Your penis will be extremely handy when you cook dinner. In fact, I’m not quite sure why men aren’t the ones who are told to “get back in the kitchen.” Think of a sexy lady, chop up some vegetables, and then use your extra extremity to push them into a bowl. It’s like having your very own sous chef! You then get to enjoy your meal–and your subsequent boner. When you’re done, you can set a disinfecting wipe out on the table and have your little buddy help you clean up the table. So convenient!

Finally, the late evening is here. This is when you’ll make the most use of your extra limb. You target the lady you’d like to court by using your dick like sonar, and hone in on her location. By pointing your obviously hard penis in her direction, she will then realize you have asserted your dominance and begin to swoon. You then reel her in by pressing the crotch of your khakis up to her thigh and gyrating to some One Direction song. You think this will lock her down for sure, but after much begging and pleading on your behalf to not have her call the police, you and your little guy sadly go home together and cry. You hold each other until you wake up in the morning and repeat the cycle all over again.

So how did I do? Sound about right?

Image via Getty

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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