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What I Would Say To My Ex-Boyfriend’s New Girlfriend If There Were No Consequences

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Let’s face it: your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend is in a whole different category of bitch. Whether she’s the bitch who stole him, the bitch he cheats on, or an actual dog-faced bitch, she is, effectively, his bitch.

When a girl tells me she, “like, TOTALLY doesn’t care” about her ex’s new girlfriend, I immediately translate that to, “I know more about her than the NSA and I’m one mention of her name away from selling all of her information to the North Koreans in exchange for alcohol money.” Not to offend anyone here, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say if you’re not even slightly interested in your ex’s new girlfriend, there’s a good chance your breakup was so bad that it singlehandedly turned you into a lesbian afterward.

Consider this scenario.

You’re having a great day. The sun is shining and you’re just strolling along, admiring yourself in every reflective surface within a half mile radius, relishing in the fact that you didn’t drunk eat last night. Then, all of a sudden, life decides it hasn’t gotten laid in a while–so it chooses to fuck with you.

You see her, but she doesn’t see you. As you cuttingly stare at her with a murderous look on your face, your mouth runs dry. You can’t utter a single word–but if you could, this is what you’d say:

  1. Ew. Like, ew. No.
  2. You know you came after me, right? I’m pretty sure you’re the sloppiest second I’ve ever seen.
  3. I could care less if you’re the offspring of a Nobel Peace Prize winner and Miss America. To me, you are a mean, coldhearted Mama June doppelganger.
  4. No, but actually though, you’re beautiful–which makes me hate you infinity times more.
  5. Are you a lesbian? Because you’re dating a pussy.
  6. You should know that his penis is small compared to the rest of the guys out there. But who am I kidding? You FOR SURE know this, seeing as you’ve slept with half the campus already.
  7. Who cares if you just got accepted into medical school? The fact that you chose to be with him proves you have the intelligence level of a deranged chimpanzee on laughing gas. Fucking idiot.
  8. I had a dream he accidentally ran you over once.
  9. When you had sex with him for the first time, was it so bad you thought he was a virgin like I did?
  10. I may or may not be guilty of stalking you on Facebook all the way back to your eighth grade class trip to Six Flags. And then back to your fifth grade hip-hop dance recital. And I may have glanced over your mom’s profile once or twice.
  11. I hope he forgets your birthday.
  12. If you ever try to sweet talk me at a party, I’ll be happy to play slap cup with you–but only if the cup is an unopened handle of Absolut and the thing we’re supposed to slap is your face.
  13. You know that thing he does in bed that never fails to make you orgasm? Yeah, I taught him how to do that. You’re welcome.
  14. His mom still does his laundry, and she also packs for him when he goes somewhere.
  15. You’re going to have the ugliest monogram ever if you two get married.
  16. But you’re not going to marry him. You know that, right?
  17. Yeah, I’m probably a little jealous of you. What I’m not jealous of is the fact that half of the school has seen you naked.
  18. When you meet his family for the first time, I hope his sister openly gives you the “upiddy-down” eye look and his grandmother calls you by my name.
  19. You are the Camilla Belle to my Taylor Swift. Even though I can be psychotic from time to time, I will always have more fans than you. (And you’re better known for the things that you do on the mattress…duh.)
  20. I hope you enjoy the taste of me!

Bitch.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

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