Let’s get it all out in the open: everyone watches porn. Everyone. I don’t care how much you try to deny it. I’m not saying that everyone’s a porn fiend, not at all. It’s not like everyone’s a YouPorn addict (like me) but if you’re someone who claims you don’t watch pornography–and that you have never watched it–I don’t know who you’re trying to fool, but you’re not pulling one over on Stefon.

In my studies as a pornologist, I came across something (pun absolutely intended) that I wasn’t quite sure how to define. Apparently, this falls under the banner of something that’s simultaneously near and dear to our hearts and completely repulsive at the same time: sorority porn.

For those of you who are ill-informed, sorority porn is pretty much as dumb as it sounds. It’s about a bunch of girls living in a sorority house. Most of them have sex. Then they have a new crop of pledges. The older sisters usually force those pledges to do degrading sexual acts. Then they have to satisfy the older sisters sexually. Then they’re “initiated” and have an all-girl orgy. Then they make the new sisters have an orgy with a fraternity. Money shot. Fade to black. Roll credits.

Sounds just like sorority life, right? NOPE. I mean, let’s not even get into the fact that this type of porn isn’t exactly my cup of tea if you catch my drift (read: too many boobs). It just has nothing to do with what Greek life is in any way, shape, or form. It completely misses the point, just like, well, pretty much every fraternity movie or TV show made since “Animal House.” But it’s time to take off my “Stefon the Fierce TSM Bitch” hat and put on my “Stefon the Fierce Sleazy Porno Producer” visor and show Silicone Valley how to make an authentic, Panhellenic porno.

• Sorority houses might be gorgeous on the outside, but on the inside, they’re usually not so much. They’re certainly not as new looking as a porn house. Lose the brand new tile floors, marble countertops, waterfalls by the pool, and heart-shaped beds, then we can talk.
• Also, sorority houses are messy as HELL, usually covered in philanthropy banners, posters, trophies, and award cases on the first floor, and the second floor is mostly covered in makeup, hair products, and underwear. Porn houses, ironically, are WAY too clean to pass for a sorority house.
• I’m pretty sure that there are more than four sisters and six pledges in a sorority during any given semester. Quotas be damned, house dues alone would cost these girls’ parents more than their tuition.
• Conflicts between sisters such as boyfriend drama or outfit stealing aren’t solved by tongue kissing and a gentle caress of the breast. They’re resolved by girls literally beating the piss out of one another.
• Before these girls can be subjected to all this hazing, they have to go through recruitment first. What if they want to go Alpha Beta Boner instead of I Felta Thigh?
• Shouldn’t dirty rushing be, you know, dirty? Seems like there’s a case for some “I’d do anything for a bid–anything!” action here.
• Also, where’s the Bid Day celebration?! Surely amidst the screaming pandemonium of girls “coming home” for the first time, there’s room for some tender girl-loving. Clearly, rush is rife with story possibilities.
• After a girl gets quintuple-teamed by an entire fraternity pledge class, she’s probably going to have to go in front of standards. It won’t be pretty.
• Big/little baskets would be 90 percent prophylactics and marital aids.
• Crafting would consist of monogrammed condoms and dental dams with the letters on them. Always be repping.
• Would “no drinking in letters” also extend to “no fellatio in letters”? I guess that’s a question for the standards chair in the house.
• I don’t think pledging can JUST consist of girl-on-girl action. I mean, if you’re horny, you’re horny and you have to do your thing, but there has to be a little more to the new member process than that. Not even a naked scavenger hunt?
• For a group of fraternity guys to come over for an “initiation mixer,” it would take about six weeks of work, including choosing a date, registering the party with the Greek office, negotiating money with the social chairs, getting supplies, decorations, booze, etc. They can’t just show up willy-nilly with no clothes on.
• Also, no theme? Not even a costume? The theme of the party is just sex? We all know that mixers are about sex, but at least put some subtlety on it. Make them work for it!
• You KNOW that if a giant orgy were to go down in the living room of the sorority house, the fucking house mom would walk in right in the middle of everything and have a heart attack. The poor woman would die of shock.
• Nationals and the alumni board wouldn’t be too happy about all this, unless they’re in on it, too. Does that then become a MILF situation? Have to ask the porn historians.
• Philanthropy events would probably be a lot more fun if they were sex related. I would have definitely gone to Dance Marathon if it was Bang Marathon instead.
• No legacies. That’s a whole other kind of porno that we’re not getting into and Stefon is NOT about that life.
• You have more than 50 closets of clothing to choose from before you get naked for the camera.
• Whiskey dick would make filming a LOT more difficult.
• One-on-one scenes would be two minutes of action followed by 45 minutes of the girl looking around the guy’s room for T-shirts to steal and to see if he has a girlfriend.
• “Wagon Wheel” sing-alongs get a LOT weirder when erections are involved.
• “Ugh, her boobs are totally fake” isn’t a valid argument when everyone else’s are, too.

Nice Move350

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Stefon

New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM StefonTSM@iCloud.com

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