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What Porn Would Look Like If Marketed Toward Sorority Girls

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You know what’s the worst thing about porn? Its uninspiring story arc and lack of characters I would want to identify with. You need protagonists to root for who set the scene and paint a beautiful picture. The following scenarios do just that, and I hope they someday become porn reality.

“Let’s go to Southampton this weekend before holiday season hits. I think you could really use some nights in front of the fire with your feet up,” said Chip, reaching out to begin his signature back rub. Considering Chip was the most celebrated and youngest chiropractor in lower Manhattan, Alissa had never received a less than perfect massage from him. Chip continued, his strong hands kneading their way into Alissa’s back. “Don’t be mad, but I took a sneak peek at your Pinterest recipe boards. I took the liberty of buying the ingredients for some dishes we can make together. Obviously the Hermès china will also be packed.”

“No, I don’t think a carriage ride through Central Park is cheesy,” said Grant, as snowflakes fell onto the fur collar of his Chesterfield coat. They melted in small pools, akin to how Martha felt looking upon his strong yet kind visage and on-point coif (the side part always won her over). “Now tell me,” he continued. “Would you prefer to get drinks at Dorrian’s now and post-game at J.G. Melon or do burgers and Bloodies first? My former fraternity is in town and the boys are dying to meet you.”

Scott wistfully gazed toward the opposite shoreline, his piercing blue eyes a lighter shade of the waves nearly crashing at their feet. “My family may have come over on the Mayflower,” he said, holding his hand out to help guide Sylvia over the treacherous rocks. “And I’ve sailed the world on my yacht. But as soon as I met you, I knew the only boat I truly cared about was our relation-ship.”

“I don’t care that it’s my father’s firm,” Taylor yelled into his iPhone while hurriedly scrolling through his BlackBerry. “I will not stand for the experimentation of our products on animals, especially bunnies.” He hung up in a huff and his mood shifted as soon as both cell phones were away. Taylor put his arm around Margaret while slowly breaking out into a grin. “I could really use some frozen yogurt,” he said affectionately. “How about a trip to Sixteen Handles? I think we both deserve some guilt-free chocolate sundaes right now.”

“Oh no, no, no, did you think I asked you to go camping? It’s a five-star ski lodge. You get your own sauna,” explained Brian, chuckling at the situation as he slowly spun the olive in his martini. Pre-dinner cocktails at the Harvard Club had turned into a three hour bender. “You don’t have to go skiing if you would prefer to relax and read during the day. I already stocked the bar with all your favorites. It’ll be nothing but artisanal s’mores, fresh powder, and aged bourbon for the next few days.”

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sarahsolfails

To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough." Writer living in NYC.

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