We’ve all been there. We’re at a bar with a stranger or on a first date, either with someone we know or a random from Tinder, when the inevitable happens – he orders your drink. This is always a really bold move from the guy and the first time he’s demonstrated his ability to take the reins. However, what he orders for you says a lot about him, so listen carefully, because the next five years hours of your life depend solely on his response.
Vodka Cranberry
This says one thing and one thing only: you aren’t special. I don’t care if it is your drink of choice, and if a vodka cranberry actually IS your drink of choice and you’re not a gay man, you need to reevaluate your alcohol habits immediately. If a guy orders you a vodka cranberry, he thinks you’re the same as every other white girl in the bar. He doesn’t care about you, your job, or your volunteer work walking rescue puppies. You’re just another blonde, 24-year-old, ex-sorority girl, and if you don’t go home with him tonight, he’s going to get pissed. If you manage to get this guy FBO, you will inevitably break up in 3 months when he forgets your birthday and calls you someone else’s name in bed.
A Beer
This can mean one of two things: he’s really cheap, or he’s a guy worth keeping around for a bit. Assuming he also springs for an app, we’re going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. He doesn’t want to get you drunk as quickly as possible, and he’s liking where this conversation is going, so he’s going to at least pretend to listen to you for the next hour or so. He probably thinks you’re pretty cool, which isn’t an insult – it means, “oh my god, please tell me I’ll finally be able to converse with someone with boobs for over 12 straight minutes without hearing about the Kardashians once.” As long as you’re not one of said girls who worships at the idol of the Kardashian clan, give beer guy a chance, because things could go really well from here.
The “Fun Drink”
Whether it’s a whiskey-and-Coke slushie or vodka-soaked pineapple shots, most of the bars we frequent feature one fun drink. This guy will look at you and go, “Want to try these? Yeah? Let’s get two!” If you’re looking for a guy that’ll be fun for a few weeks, you’re in the right place. He’s spontaneous and, well, fun, but when you need a date to sister’s wedding in three weeks, expect a “new number, who’s this?” text faster than you can blink.
The Most Expensive Drink On The Menu
Contrary to what you might think, you want to escape from this guy the fastest of all, because he’s a total douchebag. He’s not trying to spoil you or treat you like a princess or show you that you’re “worth it.” He’s throwing his money, that he may or may not have, in your face. Accept the drink from this guy (because it’s expensive and will taste like the tears of angels), and then go to the bathroom to “freshen up” and get the hell out of there. This guy will spend the next three hours going on and on about how much money he has, what kind of car he drives, how much his rent costs, and his new TV. He is the worst kind of person to deal with. Depending on his financial situation, he will spend the remainder of your time together making you feel badly that you don’t make as much money as him, or he’ll be the guy asking you for “a quick loan that he’ll pay back as soon as the money comes in” to cover his excessive spending habits. Run away, Scar. Run away, and never return.
A Nice Bottle Of Wine To Split
Unlike Most Expensive Drink On The Menu guy, this guy is actually trying to impress you because he could see keeping you around for at least the next two months. He’s still hoping that you’ll be enough of a lightweight that your two glasses of wine will get you to sleep with him, but even if you do, he’ll text you the next morning. In all honesty, he’d probably prefer a Jack and Coke for himself, but he wanted to do something together with you. Cue the “awwwww”s. Expect him to remember your anniversaries and take you out to eat at places considerably nicer than Olive Garden. Nice Bottle Of Wine To Split Guy is a rare find today, so if you come across one in nature, you should probably have a ring on you so you can propose on the spot..
Nice Move213
Respond
RecruitmentChairTSM
RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at RecruitChairTSM@gmail.com
@TheRecruitChair
