Because if you’re not nursing your Saturday night hangover with a Sunday morning cocktail, you really can’t sit with us.
Mimosa
The most basic of the brunch drinks, the mimosa is a classic. No matter where you go on Sunday morning, a mimosa will be there for you. Sure, it’s light and makes you feel like Blair Waldorf, but in all honesty it’s the only thing you recognized on the cocktail list. Still, it works. Besides, how will people in your Snapstory know that you’re having #SundayFunday without a cliché picture of your orange champagne flute? They wont. A few of these bad boys paired with your egg white omelet will have you daytime drunk texting your ex in no time. So do it for the possible sex. Do it for the hangover. Do it for the Instagram, but if you’re anything like your drink, you’ve already filtered the shit out of it.
Calorie Count: 137
Bellini
Bellinis are the sophisticated gateway to getting drunk at brunch. It’s a little classier than its slutty friend, the mimosa, but it still knows how to have a good time. If you order a Bellini, chances are you aren’t still wearing the same underwear from last night. You’re a little more mature and you’ve realized that a Bellini is basically the same drink, but with a better name and slightly better taste. You usually go into brunch with plans of accomplishing a lot with your day, but end up hitting on your waiter and regretting wearing heels halfway through the drink fest meal. You can take the orange juice out of the drink, but you can’t take the champagne out of a basic girl’s bad decisions.
Calorie Count: 95
Bloody Mary
If you order a Bloody Mary, chances are you have a higher IQ than everyone you’re dining with. I don’t need to tell you this, however, because you obviously already know. You’ve realized that ordering an alcoholic vegetable drink will not only get you drunk (like, really drunk), but it basically counts as exercising for the day. The Bloody Mary drinker tends to fall into the hipster category, and she usually enjoys men with fine beards. Don’t ask me why, it’s just science. While her more basic friends are busy getting drunk, she’s over here, sipping on her tomato juice and thinking of ways to update her resumé/steal someone’s boyfriend/sneak some extra vodka in her drink. What? It’s not her fault she’s got her shit down.
Calorie Count: 125
Irish Coffee
The fact that you’re even at brunch is somewhat surprising. You tend to spend your mornings in bed with one of your many guy friends. When it comes to having a good time, you usually gravitate toward vulgar humor, playing games with boys (and with their hearts), and generally being the life of the party in an annoying, laid back way. Considering that you choose to drink whiskey with breakfast and have zero regard for calorie count sort of says it all. Sure, the second you go to the bathroom all of your friends are going to talk about you, but honestly, it’s just because they’re jealous.
Calorie Count: 210
Vodka
Whether you’re drinking it with some soda and lime, or you’re nursing it on the rocks, the daytime vodka drinker means business. She doesn’t need to waste her time (or calories) on fruity, watered down beverages. She’s either dealing with a breakup, never went to sleep last night, or just plans to get fucking wasted today. Part of you wants to hate on her, but the other part of you is pretty jealous. Nothing makes you feel like more of a pussy than sipping on some OJ while the bitch next to you tosses back the hard stuff.
Calorie Count: 64
Wine
It’s not that you think you’re better than everyone else, but yeah, you think you’re better than everyone else. You either got invited to brunch by a bunch of lower class randoms or you just really need to drink. You’re trying to act interested as people talk about their shitty boyfriends, but all you’re thinking about is your (almost) fiancé back at your shared apartment with your adopted dog and the networking emails you want to send out. Ugh, being around peasants is exhausting.
Calorie Count: 123
Mojito
If you don’t have a GoPro and a tapestry hung above your bed, you have no right to order a Mojito. Your dream is to experience life to the fullest while getting the most Instagram likes possible. You’re a big fan of #TBT because you like to reuse your best “adventure” pictures (which is basically just you standing under a waterfall). Sure, your drink has as many calories as a piece of cake, but that’s why you live by the term “YOLO.” And by always wearing yoga pants.
Calorie Count: 242
Beer
You’re either still drunk from the night before, you’re in a fraternity, or you literally have no soul. Somehow you got invited to an innocent girl’s brunch, and you’ve immediately made a fool of yourself. Enjoy your time now, because chances are you’re never getting invited out again.
Calorie Count: It doesn’t even matter because you failed at brunch and at life..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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