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What Your Celebrity Crush Says About You

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Crushing on a celebrity is nothing like flirting with that lazy-eyed bouncer so that you can get into the club without an ID. Celebrities are perfectly groomed masterpieces who have leading roles in blockbuster movies and in your fantasies, and that bouncer is, well, pretty much your only option besides nachos. And those cheesy suckers never kiss back. But just because you’ll probably never actually date your A-lister of choice doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from your own tastes. Be careful, though: you may not love what you learn about yourself.

You’re fantasizing about: James Franco
You’re: a little drunk.
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You absolutely love surprises, like coming home to find your entire room decorated with creepy pictures of you sleeping that look like they were taken years ago? And you love a man who has the kind of confidence it takes to paint a naked picture of Seth Rogen, and then, after a short coffee break, paint another one. Sure, James Franco might be incredibly handsome, and super charming, but he also might be legitimately insane. You think he’s staring deeply into your eyes, but how can you be sure he’s not desperately trying to see the back of your skull? However, his questionable mental state also leaves him slightly more readily available than some other A-listers. After all, if some underage Irish floozy can get him to proposition her on Instagram, he’ll probably go for anyone. Even you.

You’re crushing on: Prince Harry
You’re: pretty delusional.

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Every girl wants to be a princess. The idea of being rich, famous, and universally adored for literally no reason is pretty much our dream come true. Still, Disney set us up for some big-time disappointments. Sure, Prince Harry has the royal bloodline, but at the end of the day he’s also an ex-party boy with a history of questionable costume choices and an overbearing grandmother. He’s basically most of the guys from your school, but with more money and access to military power. So you either have a thing for princes or a thing for gingers, and one of those is way easier to get with than the other. Do you, girl, but just be careful that you don’t end up on that reality show where idiots get tricked by a Harry impersonator. At least he wouldn’t share the royal family’s thinning hair gene. Plus, you could still probably pass him off as the real thing at a party after everyone is a few shots deep.

You’re in love with: Jon Hamm
You’re: a classy lady.

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Like us, you’re probably into really sophisticated things, like men who wear suits and wine that comes in a bottle (at least on weeknights, Saturdays are fair game for a box, bag, or bucket of the good stuff). And Jon Hamm is about as sophisticated as they come…when it comes to men you think about when you accidentally lean against the washing machine for too long. Award winning acting chops, killer comedic timing, and the uncanny ability to wear a skinny tie while still looking like a real man? Where do we sign up? Seriously, where? We have lots of pens. If you want to get a slice of Hamm, appeal to his Mad Men side by wearing classic red lipstick and not having an opinion.

You’re sweating: Drake
You’re: getting played.

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Oh sure, he might look cool now, but don’t forget he was on “Degrassi,” he’s actually Canadian, AND his name is Aubrey. He talks a good game, and you’re totally falling for it. Drake croons, “Just hold on, we’re going home,” and you’re already halfway to the car, yelling back to see if he wants bagels or eggs in the morning. Don’t get swept away in those expressive eyebrows, though, for a Canadian child actor he still gets tons of girls (ahem, RIHANNA). Grab your crew, roll to a concert in a dress you got by convincing your mom you were going to wear it as a shirt, and hit the front row knowing that you can always grab one of his jacked security guards and scream, “Started from the bottom, now I’m here!” as you try and make out with him as a not-so-bad second option. Bonus: if it ever really does work out with Aubr-err-Drake, you can bring him to your cousin Jacob’s Bar Mitzvah!

Your heart is beating for: Channing Tatum
You’re: super horny.

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Don’t worry. We know. We all saw “Magic Mike.” And then, we all saw him talking about how excited he was that his beautiful wife was pregnant. And THEN we saw those pictures of him with his baby. Nine out of ten doctors agree that this kind of imagery – when paired with the fact that you have a pair of ovaries and too many glasses of wine – can catapult you into a sort of psychosexual fugue state where even a name like Channing Tatum makes perfect sense. And once you’ve fallen, good luck getting up. His swiveling hips and empathetic eyes will take up residence in the back of your brain – next to that outdated picture of Chad Michael Murray – and will continue to torture you a little more with each passing day. Finally, when you feel like you can’t take it anymore, someone will drop the word “pony” into conversation, leaving you will no choice but to sprint back to your room for some much needed alone time. Don’t be ashamed, girl. You’re only human.

You’re dreaming about: Michael B. Jordan
You’re: so ahead of the game.
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You see potential both in men, and in the mirror. Ambition is your middle name, and it’s his, too. Well, actually his starts with a B, but maybe it’s silent. You want someone who will take big risks, and will take you along for the ride. And after staring at Michael B. Jordan for what could only be described as an inappropriate amount of time, you can tell the ride is going to be a bumpy one. Maybe it’s the earnest roles he tends to go for, or maybe it’s just the way he whispers your name sensually in your dreams, but you can tell he’s one of the good ones. And while money may not be growing on his trees just yet, it’s not too soon to start hanging out in his yard. Bring your milkshake.

You’re drooling over: Zac Efron
You’re: not dead.
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We get it. Respect.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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