Recruitment videos and internet fame are something relatively new to the world. Five years ago, there was no such thing as social media. I mean, there was, but like, your great great great grandbig used to BBM her pledge sisters back in the day to remind her to upload her photos from the mixer three weeks ago from her digital camera to Facebook, which she would later check on her laptop instead of on her handheld device. Nobody used Twitter. Instagram didn’t even exist. And any video quality you could have had access to was pretty much shit.
But not now. Everyone makes a recruitment video. It’s practically a requirement to show the world just how awesome sorority life is by way of slow motion dancing and Lana Del Rey. And what exactly are we showing PNMs a day in the life of a sorority girl looks like through our recruitment? Mehbbe this?
You wake up in the morning with a full face of makeup on, extensions already in, and perfect barrel curls. You’re wearing sewn or screen-printed letters, of course. You do nothing before paying specific attention to the random details of your sorority house, like the doorknob and random picture frames. You’re not even mad about waking up, because being in a sorority means always being happy.
You take a shower, and return in your towel wrap. Your hair and makeup are still perfect, because upon entry into your organization, members have access Jane Jetson’s morning mask — very exclusive. Also useful when spending the night with a boy.
Now that you’re ready, you need to start getting ready, so you artfully spray your hair, shake your head as you spritz perfume, seductively apply lipstick, and hold a kabuki brush against your cheek, because it looks cool. You put on a cocktail dress and wedges, or high-waisted shorts and a flower headband, because that’s your go-to outfit on a regular day. Then head to your front lawn for your daily activities.
First and foremost, you simply can not begin your day without blowing glitter. Blow it everywhere. Blow it at your friends. Blow it at the house. Blow it in the wind. Just blow all the fucking glitter. The secret behind this is it’s actually a good facial workout. That’s why your cheekbones are #goals, and certainly not because you have put on enough contour that you look emaciated. Natural beauty, people.
*Note: If you don’t have glitter handy, first of all, why are you even in a sorority? Second of all, you may use bubbles as a substitute for or in conjunction with glitter.
Now it’s time to start jumping, preferably in slow motion. Keep jumping all together. It gets the blood flowing and the body moving, so it’s good to start your day with a solid jump sesh. You can decide to clap and chant along with your jumping if you’d like, but this really just depends on your chapter. This jumping may segue into a spontaneous dance circle, but if not, don’t stop jumping until one designated sister randomly sticks out her tongue or makes some kind of funny face and starts laughing (in slow motion, of course). This is your cue to lay down with your sisters in a circle, for a ceremonious prayer.
After beginning your morning you don’t walk, you skip toward the car of anyone who owns a jeep or convertible. You are careful to make sure you are holding hands with someone, as it is customary for two heterosexual women to hold hands while on the move in this organization. If no one in your chapter owns a convertible, GTFO. NS. It is necessary so you might let your sorority’s flag blow in the wind as a symbol of your pride. You often travel to nearby beaches, mountains, lakes, or other outdoorsy areas in full makeup and perfectly curled hair, and today is no exception.
Once there, it is time for the real tomfoolery. Start doing cartwheels immediately. It is important to note that potential new members who can neither cartwheel, nor hula hoop will not be considered for membership. Spontaneously jump on your big’s back, because she loves it when 100+ pounds of weight is thrust upon her without her knowledge. She will not fall, because sororities provide excellent stability for young women. Make sure to look at her and laugh. Throw what you know constantly, so that you may claim this land in the name of your sorority.
You’d be a fool to forget the next absolutely necessary step to having a good time. Human pyramids. My God, have you ever been to an event and been like “Man, you know what that was missing? A human pyramid.” Of course not, because there is never an event without a human pyramid. If there is water, at your outdoorsy location, maybe stand away from the crowd and splash around for a little bit while you’re in your clothes. If you’ve gone to a wooded area in the Fall, throw a pile of leaves into the air. Under ordinary circumstances, this may seem strange, or even mildly autistic, but when paired with the theme song to your life, Icona Pop’s “All Night,” it becomes whimsical.
*Note: Erratic splashing may also be accomplished in the campus fountain.
Make sure you have someone there to take pictures of you getting your picture taken, because if it doesn’t go on Instagram, it didn’t happen.
You’ll conclude your day where it began. Back at the sorority house. Everyone will be wearing pajamas which will consist exclusively of lettered v-necks and Victoria’s Secret boxers, except for that one girl who’s wearing a onesie, because you guys are fun. You’ll sit with an uncomfortable number of people on the couches, and cuddle up for a movie, giggling constantly — not full belly laughter, because it gives you a double chin, but a pretty giggle. You give knowing eyes to your pledge sisters, and maybe throw popcorn at one another, because who doesn’t love that?
Man. It is good to be you..
All images and GIFs are from real recruitment videos.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
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